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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on August 20, 2019

I’ve got the Clash’s earworm stuck in my head.

Should I stay or should I go
If I go there will be trouble
And if I stay it will be double
So come on and let me know
This indecision’s bugging me
If you don’t want me, set me free
Exactly who am I’m supposed to be[1]

One of the hardest decisions we have to make is whether to stay in a job that is not satisfactory or whether to move on. How do you decide? What factors make a difference. Where do you begin?
There are a few core factors that must be considered:

Financial security – this may determine when and how you leave, but should not determine if you leave (based on other factors below). We hear people talk about golden handcuffs – making so much, healthcare, pension, stock options, vacation time, standard of living, retirement benefits, etc. — that as miserable as the job is, it feels impossible to leave.
Health – the job is making you sick physically or emotionally
- If you are suffering from physical or emotional illnesses – stomach ulcers, migraines, depression, anxiety
- If it is impacting your relationships with those closest to you
- If you are not willing to address your health concerns because your job is too demanding…
- You have tried to address the concerns but the cure is worse than the disease…
Ethics – the position requires you to do things that are illegal, unethical and/or against your value system.

You do not want to end up in bankruptcy or out of your home or car. However, staying in a job that causes you to compromise your values or your health is generally not recommended. This is a case of how and when you leave, not if you leave.
In preparing for this article, I explored numerous quizzes about whether to stay or go and all of them reinforced that if your health and ethics are compromised, you need to get out! Ideally, you do so by finding a new job first. In the meantime, you can evaluate your life choices so that the financial consequences are manageable during the transition or if you find a better position that pays less.
What are other factors that suggest it is time to move on?
A number of years ago I participated in training to facilitate the Everything DiSCä assessment. At the time, I had a great team, was doing some exciting work and was very energized. However, we had a new senior executive who was making some changes to what and how the division was working. On page six of the report, I read about what motivates and stresses people with my DiSCä style[2]. It was amazingly accurate and told me a lot about my work situation. With the new changes being implemented, I was losing all the things that motivated me and beginning to experience all the things that stressed me. It wasn’t even close. Our new senior executive’s vision and mine were not aligned at all. I sat down with my boss and asked him if there was light at the end of the tunnel, if he thought things would improve in the future. He honestly told me that he did not.
If you are not feeling fulfilled it may be time to move on.
One of the recurring themes in positive psychology asserts that when we are able to employ those things we do best at work, we are more productive and effective. Clifton et. al.[3] explains it this way, “A talent is a naturally recurring pattern of thought, feeling, or behavior that can be productively applied…They are among the most real and most authentic aspects of your personhood…There is a direct connection between your talents and your achievements. Your talents empower you.” Using our talents, developed through skill and knowledge application, provide us with a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction in our work.
One of the 12 questions that Gallup[4] poses to quantify employee engagement is, “I get to do what I do best every day at work.” So, one of the critical aspects of whether you stay or go is are you doing not just what you are good at, but what fulfills you and empowers you; what gives you energy rather than draining you. Gallup research indicates that only one third of workers are engaged at work overall. And yet, there are companies that seek to have 90%+ engaged workers…folks who truly care about what they are doing, provide discretionary effort and are committed to quality. Wouldn’t it be wonderful to be in a work environment where everyone felt that way?
Most of us have to do mundane, routine or annoying tasks at work, but these should be counter-balanced by those that replenish us, provide us with meaning and satisfaction. When I looked at my motivator/stressor dichotomy, I could see that my future with the company would restrict those behaviors and activities that energized me.
Are you experiencing an unhealthy amount of stress?
Some stress is considered good for us. It keeps us on our toes, on edge, working a little harder, with a little more urgency. However, if the stress you are experiencing is soul crushing, maybe it is time to go.
If your values are being compromised, if you are being asked to do something unethical or illegal, this is a no-brainer.
Additional stressors tend to come from the work environment, often shaped by your supervisor/manager/boss. We’ve read many places that people quit bosses not jobs. Scott Mautz[5] identifies five indicators that it might be time to go.

Your boss makes you feel like you’re shrinking.
Your boss makes you feel like your values are being compromised.
Your boss gives oversight, not oxygen.
Your boss causes you to question yourself more than your situation.
Your boss’s own career isn’t exactly going well.

Can you see how disempowering these behaviors are? What happens here is that as you buy in to your boss’s negativity, it may make it even harder for you to consider leaving. Who would want you after all? It is important to know that you do not have to live in this type of work environment, although many of us believe this is just what bosses do.
Most people are not negatively impacted by working hard if the support and appreciation are there. It is the emotional toll of negativity, lack of recognition, respect and trust that cause long-term stress and harm. Employees who experience these behaviors try to stay under the radar, live in fear (stress, pain anxiety) and perform only adequately.
In my work in leadership and coaching, we spend a lot of time on effective people-management. The most successful companies understand that performance excellence comes from excellent management – supporting and growing people, not squelching them. Find those people and be one!
Are there opportunities to grow in your current situation?
Another consideration is aspirational. What do you want to be doing in a few years? Where do you want to be? Does your current environment provide you with opportunities to grow? This doesn’t necessarily mean moving up. Some people are seeking advancement and want to be sure there are promotion opportunities in the future. Others find meaning and satisfaction where they are. This does not mean that nothing should change. Even in a situation where you do not want to change jobs, there should be opportunities to learn more, to dig deeper and to become more skilled at what you are doing.
Daniel Pink[6] identifies three elements that provide motivation and satisfaction for people: mastery, purpose and autonomy. Are you given opportunities to develop and improve, to master the skills related to your work? Learning new skills and/or having new projects and responsibilities are powerful energizers, even if your position hasn’t changed. Do you have the ability to make decisions within your area of expertise (autonomy)? Does your work have meaning (purpose)?
And of course, there is the desire to advance. How possible is it? Is the organization providing you with the training opportunities you need? Is there a track record of hiring from the inside? Does your supervisor know you want to move up? Is there a leadership program you can participate in? Can you find a mentor? Have you applied for new positions and not succeeded? What have you learned?
In some organizations, even when opportunities exist, they may not be available to you if your boss doesn’t support participation. That is another indicator that something may need to change.
So how do you know when it is time to go?
We’ve all heard the fable/myth[7] about putting frogs in water and heating it up versus putting them in boiling water. If the water is boiling we know to jump out. But what about when the water is warm, warmer, etc., how do you know when it is too hot? How do you know when the physical, emotional and career costs outweigh the benefits of stability and golden handcuffs?
At this point, you’ve considered your health, your engagement and your career potential where you are. If it is still tolerable, what will let you know it is time to jump? Chip and Dan Heath[8] suggest setting a trip wire, some kind of indicator that will let you stop and pause. I’ve often recommended people set a date on the calendar – maybe six months from now – and invite them to rethink their decision based on the factors that are of concern. Other trip wires would be: applying for advancement and not succeeding (repeatedly, with no helpful feedback), having projects taken away, being uninvited to meetings, a poor performance review, increased health issues or on the positive side, being asked to take on something new, getting good feedback or recognition, discovering you do feel happier and more satisfied at work.
And in the meantime, it never hurts to freshen up your resume and dip your toe in the water to see what else is out there. Network, check the want-ads, apply for a few positions (good practice), and talk to trusted friends and colleagues. [9]
Our work takes up a huge amount of our lives and contributes to our sense of self-worth and identity. No matter what we are doing, we can find meaning and satisfaction that adds value to our life. As Rumi says,
Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart.
Don’t be satisfied with stories, how things have gone with others. Unfold your own myth.
____________________________
[1] Downloaded 8/12/19 Source: LyricFind, Songwriters: Joe Strummer / Mick Jones, Should I Stay or Should I Go lyrics © Universal Music Publishing Group
[2] For more information about DiSCä, contact us at Thunderbird Leadership Consulting.
[3] Clifton et. al. (2001) StrengthsQuest: Discover and Develop Your Strengths in Academics, Career, and Beyond. New York: Gallup Press.
[4] Forbringer, L. (2002) Overview of the Gallup Organization’s Q-12 Survey. O.E. Solutions, Inc.
[5] Mautz, Scott. (Aug. 3, 2019) If Your Boss Does these 5 Things, It’s Time to Quit, According to Science. The Inc. Life.
[6] Pink, Daniel. (2011) Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us. New York: Riverhead Books.
[7] James Fallows discredits this fable as pure myth when it comes to frogs…our challenge is, is it true for humans? Fallows, J. (Sept. 16, 2006) The Boiled Frog Myth: Stop the Lying Now! The Atlantic.
[8] Heath, C. and Heath, D. (2014) Decisive: How to Make Better Decisions. The Crown Publishing Group, Kindle Edition
[9] Reddit has a helpful article about preparing if you are resigning or are asked to leave.
https://www.reddit.com/r/personalfinance/comments/6g146m/be_prepared_if_youre_resigning_or_quitting_have/

Tip of the Month, August 2019 – Take it Apart to Rebuild Something Better: Tips for Deconstruction

Jill Bachman, MSN on August 7, 2019

This year’s Summit theme, Reconstructing Leadership: Owning Our Power, really appeals to me. I enjoy the challenge of putting things together, solving puzzles and making sense of the world. As I read through the description, beginning with deconstruction, I find myself wondering why the organizers used the term deconstruction instead of destruction. So I dug a little deeper.
Destruction has no hope associated with it, other than the hope of a clean slate. Consider the purchase of a run-down property for the value of its location instead of the old house sitting on it. You could scrape the parcel for some future use, and it could be positive or negative for you. In the Summit’s context, deconstruction has a purposeful, forward-thinking and positive intent associated with it. It is the intentional dissection of elements from the past, to challenge beliefs that no longer work for us and to see what has been good and useful and must be brought forward. . .
In the deconstruction part of the Summit we will look at beliefs we have held to be true in the past and courageously question them. We will challenge ideas we have held on to or clung to or fiercely protected by boldly testing them against our own integrity. We will seek to accept the wisdom of prior ages, and not throw out the baby with the bathwater.
In the following scenarios, let’s see how we can use deconstruction to help arrive at a place of growth instead of accepting the status quo.
Scenario 1:
In this example, let’s apply the tool of ‘the five whys’. Use ‘why’ questions until an answer appears. . . and remember, the number may not always be five.
I am not going to apply for that job because I’m not really manager material.
Why do you think you are not manager material?
I don’t like supervising and disciplining people.
Why don’t you like that?
I can’t give feedback effectively.
Why can’t you give feedback effectively?
I get nervous when someone starts to cry or worse yet, when they start to challenge me.
Why do those situations make you nervous?
I don’t know how to respond.
Why don’t you know how to respond?
I guess I’ve never planned for how to handle those situations. . . maybe I could figure out responses in advance, just in case.
Aha! Actionable development idea.
Scenario 2:
In this scenario, we will use some ideas from the Johari Window. The Johari Window helps to organize personal characteristics into four quadrants; the open window (information known to everyone), the blind spot (known to others, not oneself), the hidden area (known to oneself but not others), and the dark (information known to no one). Using the Johari Window positively seeks to increase the amount of information in the open window, more known to oneself and others. This can apply in many situations, especially when you are trying to increase openness and transparency.
My staff aren’t responding to me because they need a leader who is charismatic and visionary, like my colleague Mark. I’m not that guy.
Here are some possible responses you could make:

So you hold the belief that an effective leader is charismatic and visionary. Just how true is that? (Hidden area)
Is it possible that you are using that idea to avoid dealing with ‘real’ manager issues you may have? (Dark spot)
What leadership skills do you think you have? (Open window)
What do others say about your leadership skills? Are they the same as your list, or different? (Blind spot)
What have you done to get a response that you wanted? (Open window and blind spot)
What does a coach, your manager, or a trusted colleague, like Mark, tell you about the effectiveness of your approach? (Blind spot)
What can you learn here? Are there things you can stop doing, and things to start doing?

Scenario 3:
In this situation, we apply the ideas from the Summit deconstruction description – courageously questioning beliefs, challenging ideas, holding on to elements of wisdom from the past.
There’s so much happening in my civic club right now. It is not the right time for me to step up as a leader amidst all the chaos.

Do you believe there needs to be a ‘right time’? Is there ever a right time? (Challenging a belief)
Are you committed to the organization, really committed? (This takes courage to ask yourself, and to face if you discover that you are not fully committed.)
Would you rather be a member of the organization during this trying time, or a leader trying to help the organization get stable? (This question is designed to seek a match with your integrity.)
Chaos may be your view of things. . . how do others see this? Perhaps this could be a ‘shake up and growth’ opportunity? (Another challenge to one way of looking at things.)
What can you bring as a leader to this situation? What help would you need? (Using wisdom from prior leadership experiences.)

Stepping into a leadership role of any nature can be daunting for all of us at one time or another. Automatically saying ‘no’ to an invitation can be very limiting. . . We miss the possibility of really making a difference in something we care about. We miss the potential of growth and the development of skills we never knew we could master, learning things that worked, and things that didn’t. We miss opportunities to use our talents. Saying ‘yes’ may have a price, but it is almost always worth it if the ‘yes’ is a thoughtful and considered one.
We hope you will say YES to joining us at this year’s Summit, a day where we explore how we deconstruct the messages that limit us and embrace new ways of being and doing, reconstructing leadership. We look forward to meeting you on November 15 in Phoenix!
Click here to register for this year’s Summit.
References:
Five Whys. https://leansixsigmabelgium.com/blog/5-whys-lean-root-cause-analysis/ Accessed via web on 7/27/19.
Johari Window. https://www.storyboardthat.com/articles/b/johari-window Accessed via web on 7/27/19.

About This Year’s Leadership Summit – Reconstructing Leadership: Owning Our Power

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on July 24, 2019

I first became connected to Thunderbird Leadership through the Annual Leadership Summit. Unlike most leadership learning opportunities, it is not focused on developing skills, but rather developing our sense of leadership self. It is a unique leadership experience that asks us to consider who we are as leaders from wherever we sit in our organizations and our world. It is about leadership as a way of being.
I have to admit that I am much more at ease talking strategy and tactics and getting things done. For me, the Summit is a day-long retreat from doing. I am required to reflect and look inside. I know it is good for me and appreciate the sometimes-uncomfortable challenge to think and see differently. Every Summit I learn new things about myself that allow me to be more effective in my work and life.
The Summit is designed by a volunteer planning group. After my second Summit I asked how I could be involved. Members of the team talk about what they are seeing in their world and how it impacts leaders and leadership. A theme emerges from local, national and international trends and the discussions give us a chance to hear from different disciplines, geographic regions and generations.
This year, our theme is Reconstructing Leadership: Owning our Power. Our conversations touched on the teachings of Brene Brown, showing up, being enough and daring greatly, Peter Block who speaks about change not being about magicians but about us and the concept of Communityship, and Kevin Cashman who speaks of leading from the inside out.
We talked about research on effective leadership and why it is so hard to shake old paradigms and ultimately asked ourselves, why reconstructing leadership is so important. We believe that when we are not bound by old paradigms and constructs of leadership, we are free to contribute fully and freely to create a better world. We move from a powerless question of “why don’t they…” to an empowering challenge of “what can we…” And this allows us to lead from wherever we are, to claim our power and influence.
At this year’s Summit, we will be exploring how we deconstruct the messages that limit us and embrace new ways of being and doing, reconstructing leadership. In the process, we’ll meet a wonderful cadre of people from across the country and make new connections to inspire us to be our whole, capable and courageous selves.
The Summit was conceived thirteen years ago by a group of colleagues and friends who discovered the joy of being together, supporting each other and challenging each other to grow as leaders. Each of this dynamic group knew a few more people who would enjoy the conversation, and a few more after that until the Summit grew to some 75 – 100 people annually through personal contacts and connections.
So, if you have found your way to this blog, you’ve made a connection to the Thunderbird Leadership world. If you are interested in the Summit, please follow the link to the 13^th Annual Leadership Summit and join us for a day that has been described as “a spa day for the soul.”
November 15, 2019 Phoenix Art Museum
Summit website link

Summer Professional Beach Read II – The Art of Gathering

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on July 4, 2019

What could be better for a Summer Professional Beach Read than The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters by Priya Parker?[1] I was, in fact, on my way to the beach with my children, grandchildren and several other family and friends. We had carefully planned the type of house we needed to meet the needs of families and generations. We assigned sleeping quarters based on waking and sleeping schedules as well as family needs. We had a spreadsheet for food, menu planning and activities. Plane tickets were purchased, vehicles and drivers allocated, luggage packed. I had even indicated that we needed to discuss expectations of each other to make the week a success, although that conversation slipped away from us in the hustle and bustle of getting ready. We had it all planned!
And then I began reading The Art of Gathering in which Priya Parker dissects what is really necessary for meaningful assemblies of all kinds, whether family, friends, colleagues, conferences or in fact total strangers. She cautions us to rethink how we approach coming together and avoid getting so bogged down in the logistics that we forget to shape our gatherings around the people. And she counsels us to be clear on the purpose of our gatherings – that every time we plan to meet, we should know why and structure the meeting to address that purpose.
So, while madly dashing down the road to the beach[2], I told the people in my vehicle that we should have a clear purpose for coming together. (Note that this was the 11^th time we had done this trip.) Why were we coming together? What was our purpose? Did the structure of our time together, including the location and logistics, address the purpose? Was it the best way to do this?
When we skip this step, we often let old or faulty assumptions about why we gather dictate the form of our gatherings. We end up gathering in ways that don’t serve us, or not connecting when we ought to.[3]
Parker cautions us not to confuse a category for a purpose…e.g. a category is a family vacation or a beach trip, or a staff meeting. A purpose requires us to dig deeper – why are we going on vacation as a family? Why are we having this staff meeting?
Once we have identified our purpose, Parker has suggestions for how the event should unfold, from planning logistics (yes there is a place for that), invitations – the who, the how and the when, welcoming and setting the stage, hosting for purpose and closing the event.
I have been a facilitator for many years and some of her suggestions are strategies that I have implemented intuitively. But Parker has provided a precise framework and rationale for how to create and manage the environment to accomplish our purpose. She has made the implicit and intuitive explicit, to allow us to create meaning without missing necessary steps for success.
One of the most profound sections for me was chapter three entitled, “Don’t be a Chill Host.” Parker wants to empower us to host with “generous authority.”
In gatherings, once your guests have chosen to come into your kingdom, they want to be governed—gently, respectfully, and well.[4]
The role of the host with generous authority begins by being clear on the purpose. It continues by:

Inviting those who should be there to meet the purpose of the gathering rather than for political ends or to avoid someone getting angry. As a host, it is my responsibility to manage the invitation list.
Sending an invitation that helps participants understand the purpose and expectations so they can choose wisely whether to attend.
Creating a powerful welcome that states the purpose clearly from the start. Parker emphasizes that our first few minutes together should not be given over to logistics or a word from our sponsors.
Developing a structure that meets the purpose – and adhering to it. This can be both about place, set-up and agenda.
Orchestrating closure so that it is both clear and compelling.

Parker provides wonderful examples of all the chronological steps in the process for both personal and professional gatherings from intimate dinner parties to international economic forums and gatherings of over a thousand strangers!
So here are my plans for our next beach trip. Wait! We may have to ask if a beach trip is the best way to do this – avoiding getting stuck in old rituals. So here are my plans for our next gathering.

We all need to be clear about our purpose, why are we getting together? We want to sustain and deepen our relationships as a family…and we want to relax.
I will have some welcoming activity the first night that gets us started in family-gathering mode. After a fun starting activity, we might want to co-create ground rules that our just for this trip.
I will take ownership of the host role – yes, I am the host – I will include some structured activities to allow people to connect across the extended family. This year, others put together a plan to share responsibility for menu planning and cooking. It was a great idea! I want to try something like having people draw cards of people they have to do activities with during the week – a game, a walk, bowling. I’d also like to move people around at dinner time – table tents – so people talk with each other.
Discuss in person our expectations about the week and what we need from each other. I tried this through email – it was a major fail!!! (We all know the dangers of email – and yes, my communication was misunderstood.)
I will create official and sacrosanct check-in times to be sure everyone knows what is being planned. This will be one time during the day when all adults and interested children talk about what is working, clarify any misunderstandings, and talk about plans and needs for the next day.
We need to have a structured farewell before the wild and crazy clean-up morning. We need to close the week with a sense of appreciation for each other and for this important space in our lives.

Imagine what you could do for your next office retreat. How could rethinking how you gather change your dreary staff meetings? What steps can you take to add meaning to your meetings? It has to be more than donuts!
Right now, I am working with our Thirteenth Annual Leadership Summit[5] Planning Team. We describe it as “…not the usual offering of leadership skills and tools. We are devoted to expanding a deeper sense of self-honoring qualities that enhance our leadership.”
Are we clear on our purpose? Does it pique your interest? Do you expect to experience something different from lectures and panel discussions?
I can’t wait to apply Parker’s principles with the team to see how this year’s Summit can be even better than the twelve before.
__________________________
[1] Parker, P. (2018) The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why it Matters. Riverhead Books: New York.
[2] Please note that we were madly dashing within legal speed limits – it just felt frenzied.
[3] Parker, Priya. The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters (pp. 1-2). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
[4] Parker, Priya. The Art of Gathering: How We Meet and Why It Matters (p. 74). Penguin Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
[5] Thunderbird Leadership Summit, November 15, 2019 from 8:30 – 4:30 at Phoenix Art Museum. Registration information will follow in our next blog post! For more information about participating contact info@thunderbirdleadership.com.

A “Professional” Beach Read: Dare to Lead

Jill Bachman, MSN on June 18, 2019

What a treat it is to read a book about leadership and discover its robustness for areas of my life beyond work! It is also a challenge to write about a book in which I have highlighted nearly half the passages. Reader beware. You will want to own it too.This is one book I can definitely recommend for anyone’s bookshelf. . . Leaders alike, all ages, all roles, and people without traditional work or leader titles who are looking to be more effective human beings. Mental health’s David meets organization’s Goliath.
Brené Brown’s book^[1], Dare to Lead: Brave work. Tough conversations. Whole Hearts., has been referred by several of my Thunderbird colleagues. I read it quickly in a few days, and devoured it again while on a camping trip with time for deep reading while the guys went fishing. This is a most accessible book. I felt like Brené was sitting across my picnic table with a cold glass of sweet tea. She writes a lot like she talks, she tells us, and her voice comes through loud and clear, wholesome and funny, gutsy and to the point.
Brené Brown, PhD, LMSW, is a research professor at the University of Houston. She has spent the past two decades studying courage, vulnerability, shame and empathy and has written five New York Times best sellers. Her TED talk – the Power of Vulnerability- is one of the top five most-viewed TED talks in the world. One of the things that most impressed me about the book is her consistent integration of on-the-ground stories and feedback from participants and interviewees with her years of research, looking for explanation and confirmation (or not) in the data and published literature. This book has a lot to offer, and it’s not “just” anecdotal evidence.
The examples throughout are powerful. Brené skillfully weaves stories from her life; personal, marital, family, her own businesses and detailed testimonials from clients and participants. One story that captured me was Colonel DeDe Halfhill’s powerful writing about being vulnerable as a leader in the Air Force. At a presentation’s Q&A segment, DeDe listened to airmen tell her how tired they were, asking if they’d ever get a break. She acknowledged their tiredness and then shared an article she read addressing the topic of loneliness disguised as tiredness. Without knowing where the conversation would lead, she asked how many in her audience were lonely. DeDe was shocked at the number of raised hands, approximately one-quarter. She wasn’t sure where to take the conversation, but using tools she had learned from Brené’s work with her team, she pressed on, and then brought the issue forward to other leaders. Today DeDe takes every opportunity she can to speak about loneliness and suicide, a crisis topic for our military.
Early on, Brené shares a powerful quote attributed to Theodore Roosevelt.^[2]
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again…who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly.
She refers many times throughout about the necessary steps of practicing, trying, falling, getting up and trying again, and learning. The notion that we can develop these skills by reading a book or attending a class is totally unfounded. . . hogwash. It takes PRACTICE! Dare to Lead is packed with tools everywhere and through links on her website. She has divided the book into four main sections which she describes as skill sets that can be mastered. The skills are vulnerability, living into our values, braving trust and learning to rise.
Part One, Rumbling with Vulnerability, occupies the most development. In this section Brené lays the foundation that fear is the greatest obstacle we face in daring leadership, but it is our RESPONSE to fear, not fear itself, that determines how well we will do.
She identifies six myths about vulnerability, and counters each one with strategies to overcome them. Myth #1: Vulnerability is weakness; Myth #2: I don’t do vulnerability; Myth #3: I can go it alone; Myth #4: You can engineer the uncertainty and discomfort out of vulnerability; Myth #5: Trust comes before vulnerability; Myth #6: Vulnerability is disclosure. Personally, I resonated most with engineering the uncertainty and discomfort out. . . I love to plan in order to not have my inadequacies exposed, don’t you? She helped me see that the obsessive planning really only takes away the potential for joy in my life. In dealing with trust, she makes the case that trust is earned in the smallest of moments, not big earth-shattering events.
Brené develops 16 areas of “armored” leadership with the “daring” leadership response to each one. She touches on perfectionism, being right versus getting it right, power over rather than power with, to and within, weaponizing fear and uncertainty instead of acknowledging and normalizing them, to name just a few.
Part One concludes with useful material on empathy, sympathy, shame and guilt, and how shame shows up at work, easily institutionalized into unhealthy and unproductive workplaces. Empathy is the great antidote to shame and can be parsed into learnable skills. Again, it takes practice.
Part Two: Living into Our Values, was a thought-provoking and challenging section. Brené links all our decision-making to its congruence with our values, and dares the reader to limit yourself to two values only that express the essence of who you are. She offers a huge list to draw from, and then describes a process to guide the practice of these values. What does simplicity look like? How do I know when I am not living up to a particular value? How can I get back on track? Included in this section is a nice discussion of giving and receiving feedback, how to know that you are really ready for a tough conversation, and how to be present.
Part Three: Braving Trust is a gem of a section! I really appreciate work that helps to operationalize a big important concept like trust. She shares a trust inventory that allows you to measure your individual level of trustworthiness based on seven behaviors. The elements make up the acronym BRAVING: boundaries, reliability, accountability, vault (sharing your information, not that of others), integrity, non-jugdement, and generosity. One idea that stood out for me in the area of non-judgement was this one. We don’t ask for help for many reasons, but that can be a real obstacle for us and our development as leaders. Here’s a quote.^[3]
We asked a thousand leaders—what do your team members do that earns your trust? The most common answer: asking for help. When it comes to people who do not habitually ask for help, the leaders we polled explained that they would not delegate important work to them because the leaders did not trust that they would raise their hands and ask for help. Mind. Blown.
Part Four: Learning to Rise contains obvious ideas that never seem to be put into practice! In order to help people be brave and courageous at work, to try new things, to risk falling, to withstand the inevitable slings and arrows, we need to prepare them. . . for falling, AND for getting back up. Brené points out that many organizations talk about falling and the acceptance of failure, but they ignore implementing supportive actions that help people want to try again.
One “rising” skill she suggests for starters is this. When things don’t go right and are pretty messed up, step back and ask yourself a version of these three questions: “The story I’m telling myself. . . The story I make up. . . I make up that. . .” Is your answer “I am a failure” or “He has never wanted this department to succeed” or “This is the first step they are taking to lay me off” or fill in your own blank here. Acknowledge that this is a story you are telling yourself, get curious about and seek the real answer/s to the situation, and move forward.
I hope my appreciation of Dare to Lead, and the cookie crumbs I have dropped along the way entice you to flip open this book and see what leaps out for you. Dare to Lead is a book I plan to pull off the shelf and enjoy for a long time. Thank you, Brené Brown!
For more about the author, books, articles and resources visit her website at www.brenebrown.com
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^[1] Brown, B. 2018. Dare to lead: brave work. Tough conversations. Whole hearts. Random House. New York.
^[2] Brown, Brené. Dare to Lead (p. xvii). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
^[3]Brown, Brené. Dare to Lead (p. 228). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.

Tip of the Month, June 2019 – Tips on Passing the Torch

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on June 4, 2019

In this month’s blog (click here), Jill discussed how we pass on information, knowledge and wisdom when we are leaving a position and/or a role. She also discussed commitment to one’s profession, where passing the torch is also about advancing one’s profession to new members of one’s discipline.
In Tips, this month, we will explore strategies to pass the torch across generations, to new members of our field of study and in succession planning.
The most important tip in this article is to be clear about your values and your way of being. If your goal is to win at all costs, this column is probably not for you. If you have a desire to improve yourself, develop others, advance your profession and contribute to bettering your organization and its outcomes, then be courageous; share what you know and be open to learn from others.
In The Career Handoff^[1], Steinbinder and Ganann (our very own Thunderbird people!) identify six strategies to pass on information. All of these strategies are relevant throughout your career life cycle. Thank you to Steinbinder, Ganann, Malloch and Porter-O’Grady for providing the framework for our tips this month.
I: Mentoring is mentioned throughout the book. It is usually perceived as a more experienced professional/leader imparting knowledge, wisdom and opportunity to a newer/lower ranked individual in the organization. Mentoring has always been done informally where mentor and mentee self-select and develop a supportive relationship.
One of the challenges with self-selection is that it tends to exclude people of difference from mentorship. Senior male leaders may be afraid to mentor incoming women for fear that they would look predatory. Therefore, more formal mentoring programs have been designed to facilitate inclusive growth opportunities.
Effective formal mentoring programs provide clear expectations and role definition for the mentoring relationship and also recognize that both mentor and mentee benefit. The official mentor offers institutional knowledge, professional wisdom and development opportunities to the mentee. In a healthy relationship, the mentee also offers important knowledge and wisdom – perspectives from areas of difference to expand the mentor’s world view. This notion of cross-mentoring honors what each member of the relationship contributes and enriches the outcomes for the individuals, the organization and the profession.
Mentoring can still be informal and can start from anywhere. A college student can mentor high school students interested in the same career path. A senior in college can mentor freshmen. A new professional can mentor those in training. As you can see, passing the torch can start very early.
What do you share? The Career Handoff differentiates information, knowledge, wisdom and insights. Information is the data, content, how-to’s; knowledge includes application and context; wisdom describes the why’s of application, and insights are those amazing “aha!” moments we celebrate. In a mentoring relationship there may be times when information and knowledge are shared, but the power of mentoring comes from wisdom sharing and moments of insight (for both the mentor and the mentee). This often happens through the second handoff strategy, storytelling.
II: Storytelling is a way of transferring knowledge at a deeper level, including context, emotion and humility in the delivery. It humanizes the storyteller and allows for empathy, access and connection even across differences in role, status or personal identity. Through empathy, we build bonds of understanding that strengthen the learning experience. We remember stories, we remember the lessons and we care about the story teller.
It is a powerful way to share difficult and uncomfortable lessons, to learn more about individual perspectives as well as organizational culture. It is a way to keep organizational history alive without stifling growth and change.
III: Powerful Questions can be used in both formal mentoring sessions and informal “mentoring moments.” Rather than “telling” others what to think or what to do, the mentor, the wise or experienced person, invites the other person to teach themselves through open-ended exploratory questions. Tell me how you came to this conclusion? What was your thought process? What would happen if? In your mentor role, ask from a position of curiosity, not with a single answer in mind. (Don’t lead the witness.) You may be surprised and learn something new from your mentee about a different approach to the issue.
IV: Career Planning is another aspect of passing the torch. What does an individual need to know or do to advance and/or grow in their career? What opportunities are available to them? Once again formal or informal mentoring plays a significant role. Remember that the old way of advancing may no longer apply. Generationally, we have different expectations for how we advance. Boomers believe in “paying one’s dues,” whereas subsequent generations believe in earning one’s place based on abilities and knowledge, not time in the trenches.
One of the most powerful aspects of career planning is helping an individual see possibilities they did not even consider. Recently a senior administrator I work with was describing a conversation with a newer member of his profession. He asked her if she had considered applying for an open first-level management position. She responded that she had not because she is not a leader-type. He pointed out to her that she was indeed a leader-type as he observed the way her colleagues sought out her opinions and advice. In that 90 second conversation, there was a mentor-moment (a possible “aha!” as well) and a chance for the newer professional to rethink her career trajectory.
V: Collaboration is a practical application of sharing knowledge and wisdom across generations, life experience and expertise. In successful collaborations, all participants contribute to a successful outcome from their areas of strength in an environment of mutual respect. If you are the wise elder of the group, be careful not to impose your opinions early on. Allow your collaborative team to find its voice and direction. Observe their way of problem solving. Insert your wisdom and perspective in a way that adds strength and context to the team.
VI: Recognitions and Celebrations are ways to honor contributions while ensuring that the torch is passed. Storytelling as a strategy in recognition and celebration offers context, history and emphasizes organizational and professional values.
We always have the opportunity to “pass the torch,” to share what we know and understand with others no matter where we are in our career. It requires us to be generous with our knowledge rather than fearful that what we share will be used against us or to best us. Consider “passing the torch” as a way of being and a way of thinking and as Brene Brown might describe it, a whole-hearted practice.
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[1] Malloch, K. And Porter O’Grady, T (eds). (2016). The career handoff: a healthcare leader’s guide to knowledge and wisdom transfer across generations. Sigma Theta Tau International.

Passing the Torch

Jill Bachman, MSN on May 28, 2019

As I write this it is May and there are congratulatory cards sitting, ready to mail, on my desk. I have a niece, a nephew-in-law, a grandson “step-in” and a friend’s granddaughter all poised to celebrate a graduation. I can imagine the strains of Pomp and Circumstance, packed auditoriums and phones at the video ready. Ah, transitions!
We have many kinds of transitions in life, some intended to happen just once, like marriage or high school graduation or a first job. And there are many transitions in our work lives; a new job, a new role, a reduction in hours, a job-related location move, a layoff, a firing, retirement. If we care about the work we do or the organizations we work for, it is likely that we also care about what happens with the work we did at the time we say goodbye to it. Will it live on somehow? What is our legacy?
Career handoff is the process of intentionally sharing the wisdom, “transferring the knowledge” described by Malloch and Porter-O’Grady ^[1] of one’s career with the next person in a role, in order to preserve what was learned, and continue the momentum of achievements from the past. Though they apply the notion of this handoff to a career’s worth of information, it works in many other situations as well . . . short-term jobs, role changes, new assignments, even layoffs.
So what is the difference between the intentional sharing of wisdom and the way things often occur in organizations today? There may be an overall lack of succession planning, or no awareness of what there is to be transferred. Sometimes there is limited time or processes provided for the transfer to happen. Perhaps there’s a lack of recognition that this sharing may be as important for a retiring employee as a retirement party and a memento. Maybe the organization doesn’t recognize the issues the new person may face as they try to figure out things on their own, without the information and support of the leaving person. Whatever the organizational reasons, there are things that individuals can do to make for smooth transitions.
Commitment to a profession
If you are a member of a practicing profession such as nursing, teaching, legal, or social work for example, there may be an imperative to advance the profession by making sure that important lessons learned in one’s career are preserved as the next layer of professional practice expectations develop.
Are you the one passing the torch?
The leaving person needs to reflect on the question, “What knowledge and wisdom do I have that is important to pass on?” It is probably easier to identify what is unnecessary to pass on, like negative past history, how functional structures work, or how to do something (because the new person will find their own way). What is shared also depends on the type of transition. If it is a short-term experience, or a change within the organization, less needs to be passed on. In these situations, a handoff tool/checklist can be really useful. Perhaps the organization uses one. If not, you could develop it. Useful checklists often include important people to know, process details, technology information, current expected and recent past results. ^[2]
In the case of retirement from a career, a focus on the big picture with some of these broader questions can also be useful.

What did I learn about myself in the roles I occupied?
How has the role I occupied changed, and how will it be different for the new person? What changes have I witnessed during the time I have worked?
How do I evaluate them . . . are they helpful or not to what we are trying to achieve? What have I accomplished?
What do I think is critical to continue working on?
What is the most important piece of advice I can offer?
What would I do differently if I could do it over?

If the torch is being passed to you
If you have the opportunity to have face to face discussion with the incumbent, lucky you! Take advantage of all the time available for this knowledge transfer. The person who is leaving will likely have much to share about the job demands and the role, even though it could change once you are in it. There can be valuable knowledge to gain if the person leaving is willing to share and sincerely wants to leave a legacy by helping you. Remember, too, that what is being shared is information from one person’s point of view, and that you are expected to shape things from your perspective.
Beyond information from the incumbent and the guidance of a manager, what kind of ongoing support could be useful to you? Do you have the luxury of being able to shadow your predecessor for a time in the role? Can you ask for that? Maybe you are in an organization that offers succession development programs. For many, this is an ideal time to find a coach or a mentor.
What if there’s no one to pass the torch to?
If you are leaving a role or organization quickly without a named replacement, or if the role you occupied has been discontinued or morphed into something you don’t recognize, then the personal touch and transition is not possible. In these situations, record your thoughts . . . make a video, write them down in a journal, keep them somehow for posterity. . . you never know how useful they could be to you in the future. Leave them with the organization if the separation has been a positive one. And if you are someone with a long career, consider publishing your ideas in a professional publication.
How to let go
When leaving a satisfying role or career, much will depend on how you have prepared for this moment. There is no doubt that even in the very best of circumstances, this can be an emotional time. Whether you are leaving a shorter term position, been laid off or fired, or are retiring, you will have questions about the next phase of your life. If you need to work and are not clear about what to do next, anxiety is normal. If you are retiring, the awareness that there is less time in your life to make an impact cannot be denied.
In any case, do you have a vision for your time after leaving? Making the shift to a new role in retirement is much easier if you have a vision for what you have always wanted to do when you weren’t concerned about earning money. Spend time imagining how your days will feel, and if there are benefits of your working life that you want to continue. Keep important personal connections, yet separate yourself from the inevitable organizational politics. Offering your time as a mentor is one way to keep your finger on the pulse of the work you valued, which will help to develop others. Networking with other retirees outside of your work area, looking for volunteer roles with a purpose that ignites your passion help make the transition graceful.
And if your work life continues, maybe this is an opportunity to let go of the old by considering a new type of role, a new location, or a career change. Identify what you enjoyed about the job you are leaving and remind yourself that new beginnings, though anxiety-producing, provide many opportunities to learn and master new things. Explore the idea that you could let go of the way you used to do some things in the past . . . how you conducted a department meeting, or communicated with your direct reports for example. . . and try a different approach. Even though you are no longer in an old role that you may have loved, the positive experiences you had are something that no one can take away. And as in retirement, it is important to nurture the meaningful personal connections of your past. Avoiding a focus on old organizational politics will help you let go.
And finally, a last recommendation. In any situation of job or career transition, be it positive or negative for you, resist the temptation to define yourself by the label of the old role. You are more complex than the work you did. There is much more to your life than a job, an organization or a career. Though a career can infuse large parts of your life with focus and meaning, your career is not you. It is one part of your total life experience.
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^[1] Malloch, K. And Porter O’Grady, T (eds). (2016). The career handoff: a healthcare leader’s guide to knowledge and wisdom transfer across generations. Sigma Theta Tau International. Malloch and Porter O’Grady’s book contains the writings of a variety of leaders in healthcare who address the need and processes for successful handoffs. The Career Handoff helps leaders “proactively preserve and pass on their valuable wisdom and knowledge to new generations. With an approach that emphasizes mentoring and sustainability of expertise, . . . book aims to facilitation smooth transitions and (the) continued viability. . .” Book back cover
^[2] https://usaidlearninglab.org/sites/default/files/resource/files/Shell_KM_Job%20Handover%20Checklist.pdf (accessed via web 5/13/19)

Tip of the Month, May 2019 – Engagement Tips for the Individual

Jill Bachman, MSN on May 8, 2019

In our latest blog titled Engagement Survey, Oh My! read here, Rory (1) challenged the practice of ineffective annual engagement surveys (they are really disengagement surveys, often going nowhere) in favor of flexible and ongoing processes for creating an engaged workforce. Managers need to be really connected and involved with their people all the time in order to make the engaging workplace come alive. Since employee engagement from the organization’s perspective was addressed in the blog, let’s take a look at what fuels engagement from the individual’s perspective. Though these tips are written with the employee in mind, they apply equally to managers/leaders as employees themselves.
How do you show up daily as an engaged and engaging manager? Here are a few tips to consider.

Take employees’ ideas seriously, having a conversation and giving feedback. It is not enough to simply listen and be a conduit. Or worse still, offer all the reasons their idea won’t work. If a staff member brings a suggestion to you, such as having an onsite daycare center, rather than pass it along channels, spend the time to find out more. How do they envision it working? What ideas do they have about location? How many staff members would use it? Are there other ways to provide a daycare benefit without a dedicated space and staff? This time spent in conversation with thoughtful questions shows your relationship with the employee; you have the perspective about some of the questions that need to be addressed in order for their idea to have a greater chance of success. And you are offering yourself as a thought partner, which is empowering.
Ask employees about their goals, daily goals as well as longer term ones. “What are you hoping to accomplish today?” Having a goal for your time is one way for the individual to be more engaged at work. Model the way by having a plan for what you want to accomplish, and share those goals of yours. Help staff see the value of contingency planning for when your plans go awry, as they often do. What happens if you can’t get the new proposal finished today? Can you send just part of it? Does something else need to be taken off your task list?
Collect stories about meaning and contribution at work to share with others, and ask your staff how they know they have made a difference in their work today. Or how would they like to make a difference? Share your personal stories to get the conversation started, but make the conversation about them. Find out what gives them a sense of value and purpose in the work they do with you. Then ask if there is something you can do to further their experience of meaning and purpose at work.
Have regular conversations about their strengths, noting them when possible, and suggesting ways for them to apply and BUILD ON those strengths. Gallup research tells us that an important employee satisfier is the regular opportunity to use one’s strengths at work. Perhaps a staff member is naturally skilled in diffusing difficult customer situations . . . You could suggest they share their tips with newer staff members, and/or offer them the opportunity to to take a class on de-escalation techniques and bring back the information to share at a department meeting. If you have an employee who has a background in visual arts, and has won awards in local contests, you might invite them to submit (or take) photos for your department’s report, newsletter, or wall art.
Surround yourself with engaged people at work and in your personal life, understanding that positive attitudes can rub off, creating an atmosphere of more positivity. Listen for their examples. Nothing succeeds like success, the old adage tells us. And having an environment where you interact with engaged people regularly can help spark your own enthusiasm for whatever you are doing.
Understand the reality of what you can control. Nothing is more disengaging than viewing the “whole world’s problems” and being disheartened or discouraged about a lack of progress. Engaged people have the ability to reframe situations they have control over, even though it may be limited, and finding the lens that focuses on what they CAN influence.

We hope you find these tips useful, and that you are privileged to work every day with employees who say, “I want to work in this organization, for you!”
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References:

Rory Gilbert is a Thunderbird Leadership consultant who is the primary author of TLC’s blog, and contributor, collaborator and partner in Blog and Tips posts.
https://www.hr.com/portals/hrcom/events ShanklandHandout_Gallup%20Q12%20summary%20-%20what%20is%20engagement.pdf (accessed via web 5/2/19)
https://blessingwhite.com/4-steps-to-improve-your/ (accessed via web 4/29/19)
https://brain-smart.com/change-and-resilience/increase-personal-engagement-work/ (accessed via web 4/29/19)

Engagement Survey! Oh my!

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on April 17, 2019

Jill[1] and I were brainstorming about topics for this year’s blog posts. It helps to have a roadmap because the deadlines do catch up to us fast! We both agreed that we love the topic of employee engagement. Jill is passionate about the danger of the annual engagement survey. I get excited about the importance of ongoing and personal supervisor – employee communication to real engagement. And then we found two thought-provoking articles (see below) about engagement surveys and what to do instead.
So, let’s talk about employee engagement. Engagement is the intrinsic motivation that an employee feels – that what they are doing is important, valuable and valued. It is the internal driver that allows for discretionary energy expenditures, going above and beyond, being innovative, and caring about the outcome.
Engaged workforces demonstrate increased productivity and innovation and reduced risk. And engagement is imperative for customer service excellence…you can’t care about the customer if you don’t care about the organization, and you can’t care about the organization if you don’t feel cared about by the organization.
The challenge is to understand the attributes that go into creating an engaged and engaging work environment.[2] And then, in this critical age of accountability, our next challenge is how do we measure it?
We’ve all heard the phrase, “what gets measured, gets done.” Therefore, if we measure engagement, we should be creating an engaged workforce. In her article, “The 5 Stages of Employee Engagement Survey Results,” (2019)[3] Elizabeth Williams compares how companies respond to the annual engagement survey results with the five stages of grief: denial, bargaining, anger, sadness and acceptance. She does a wonderful job of describing how companies go through the process without ever really finding meaningful ways of creating an engaged workforce. Essentially, the results are discussed, made meaningless and shelved until the following year – except for the poor person or committee that is assigned to fix it all on top of their regular jobs.
What Williams suggests and what is validated in Liz Ryan’s article, “Ditch the Employee Engagement Survey…,”[4] is that engagement is the responsibility of all levels of leadership and is a year-round job. Ryan describes predominantly low-tech, high-touch strategies to assess engagement levels. She suggests creating easy avenues for people to inform management about the pulse of the organization…and then encourages that management actually listen.
Ryan talks about the difference between content and context in how we gather information. Words are only a small part of the message. Non-verbals and paraverbals become the context for the meaning and intent of the words. She sees the survey itself is a disengagement tool. She describes the context of the survey (what it says about the relationship of management and employee) as follows:
Thanks for completing our survey. We want your opinions, but only in a very specific format and only in answer to certain questions that we have already developed. Our biggest concern is the tabulation of the survey…We’re not trying to develop a relationship with you or anything!…
While her context description sounds somewhat harsh and cynical, her message is clear. If you want to talk genuinely about engagement, you (managers and leaders) need to be engaged with your people. Ask them how they are doing, how they like working with the organization, what they need in order to do a better job. Then listen to their answers and follow-up.
Ryan describes ten formats for gathering this information from informal chats, strategic lunch room visits, and scheduled 1:1s to town halls and suggestion boxes.
And then, there has to be a timely and thoughtful way to respond to the information that is gathered. For too many employees, sharing their insights is like speaking into a black hole. It feels like the information is going nowhere. “Thank you for sharing” is not enough. And of course, this fosters disengagement.
How do you get back to folks and when? I have taken your idea/concern/suggestion to x meeting. We are discussing it. Please know that it will take time to implement. I will keep you posted on progress in y weeks/months – please don’t let it be years! And put that date on the calendar, keep it on the meeting agenda…
If the idea/concern/suggestion is not going to rise to an agenda item, then what do you do? You can still go back to the employee and let them know. Discuss other ideas or strategies to address the idea or concern…and/or explain why it won’t/can’t happen now.
And thank them for their suggestion…ask them to continue to bring ideas forward even if every suggestion isn’t acted on. Remind them that often just asking a question generates a whole new line of thinking.
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[1] Jill Bachman is a Thunderbird Leadership consultant who is a regular contributor, collaborator and partner in TLC’s blog and Tips posts.
[2] See http://thunderbirdleadership.com/2018/02/16/power-tools-work/ as well as references in that article that discuss engagement attributes in more depth:
Forbringer, Louis R. (2002) Overview of the Gallup Organization’s Q-12 Survey, O.E. Solutions.
Wiseman, Liz and McKeown, Greg. (2010) Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter. New York: Harper Collins.
Pink, Daniel. (2009) Drive: The Surprising Truth about What Motivates Us. New York: Riverhead Books.
[3] https://www.business2community.com/human-resources/the-5-stages-of-employee-engagement-survey-results-02161015
[4] https://www.forbes.com/sites/lizryan/2016/09/18/ditch-the-employee-engagement-survey-here-are-ten-better-ways-to-listen/#44a453f52779

Tip of the Month, April 2019 – Coming Unglued in a Good Way

Jill Bachman, MSN on April 7, 2019

Rory Gilbert addressed a common and frustrating problem in last month’s blog, Getting Unstuck (read here.) I’ve had lots of stuck moments in my personal life and in helping others with their moments. Whatever the situation, staying stuck is unpleasant at the least, and unproductive/unhealthy at its most. We can be stuck short term and long term, from a couple of weeks to years. What are your stuck examples?
Rory outlined a starting point and 4 strategies in her suggestions, and in this Tip of the Month, we will see how these points apply to two situations.
Start by acknowledging that you are stuck. Then

Step back and reflect.
Ask challenging questions.
Separate fact from fiction.
Enlist a thinking partner.

Michelle
Michelle had a long-standing job as a middle manager, and she felt she enjoyed good relationships with the people she supervised, her boss, Diana, and her peers. Diana was direct and clear, to the point. There were no doubts about what was needed, but Michelle was also free to do things her way. She was secure in her role, and imagined retiring from this position in another ten years. Nine months ago she had a change in bosses, and her new boss John doesn’t give her much direction at all. . . he’s pleasant enough to work with, but his management style is all over the place. John is a talker, and Michelle finds herself having to use a lot of energy to interpret what John is saying, and listen for the tiniest bit of direction. Because Michelle was so happy with her job before John came on board, she has decided to just do her own thing and ignore John. Consequently Michelle is less and less engaged in the business, basically just biding her time. You are Michelle’s friend at work in another department and it distresses you to see her so disengaged. You guess her direct reports are seeing it too.
Acknowledge that you are stuck. In talking with Michelle, the topic of John comes up easily. Michelle readily admits that she feels stuck. Just the relief of admitting that to you turned out to be a trigger for taking the next step.
Step back and reflect. You ask Michelle to reflect on the situation. Looking at things objectively, what does she think is going on? Is Michelle struggling with change, or style differences? Is this new for her? Has she ever felt stuck in a personal or business situation before? How uncomfortable is the situation for her?
Ask challenging questions. As you continue with your friend, you ask if it is possible that John’s differences have upset Michelle’s plan to take it easy until retirement? How long is Michelle willing to stay stuck? How much is she willing to do to change the situation? How would she know when it might be time to leave the position, before her retirement? Ask Michelle what she thinks she is contributing to keeping the situation going. Has she asked for clarification from John? Does John really understand how Michelle likes to receive direction? How about setting aside time with John for just socializing? What does Michelle think her employees are seeing in her lack of engagement? How does she think it is affecting them?
Separate fact from fiction. What does Michelle tell herself about a boss who is “just a talker”? Does John need to be exactly like her in order to do a good job? Can Michelle accept direction from a person with a style she finds difficult to connect with, or to respect? Is it really possible to “take it easy” until retirement in 10 years? That’s a long time. What could happen in that period to change things?
Enlist a thinking partner. Ask Michelle what she wants from you as a friend and colleague. Consider suggesting that she find a coach or a mentor to listen objectively and help her through this phase. Does she know anyone else outside of work who has faced a similar situation?
Imagine yourself in this situation.
You are worried about your weight. At a recent doctor’s appointment, you were warned about the likelihood of developing Type 2 Diabetes, and you are already taking medication to lower your blood pressure. You saw the word OBESE written on your encounter summary. What a blow! You have struggled with your weight for years, and tried every diet and program that showed promise, but just when you begin to lose a little weight, you let your guard down and slip off the path.
Acknowledge that you are stuck. That word on the chart did it for you, as well as the diabetes scare. When you came home from the appointment, your first call was to a good friend, who knows your weight loss journey. He has weight issues of his own. You tell him that you really are committed this time. You need help.
Step back and reflect. What do you think is going on? Why are you wanting to take steps now to lose weight? Besides your health, how is your weight affecting your relationships and quality of life? Why have your prior attempts not worked long term even when you were losing weight? Were you bored, tired of the regimen, anxious about whether you could really do it?
Ask challenging questions. What are you doing to keep the situation from improving? What is your weight a symbol of? How bad do things have to get before you take permanent action? What is your vision for your life at the weight you want to be?
Separate fact from fiction. You think losing the amount of weight you need to lose is too hard. There’s just too much. . . The number is so big. The reality is that it will take awhile, but it is a one-day-at-a-time experience. And you are capable of losing weight. You have done it before. You decide that you need a plan to keep the weight off, not simply to lose it. You admit that you feel like a failure at this and maybe deep down you wonder if you deserve to be happy. In discussion with your friend, you figure out that you are not your weight. . . nor an ideal body image either. You are much more than what you look like, or even, what you do for a living.
Enlist a thinking partner. Sharing weight loss stories and plans with your friend hasn’t been very helpful. For support and ideas, you decide to join a group at work who is helping each other with healthy lifestyle choices. You also decide that seeing a therapist could be a good idea, and you start the process of finding someone to work with.
Admitting that you are stuck is the important first step on a journey to create momentum and change a situation that seems to be going nowhere. Being stuck can be a sign that says it’s time to take action, IF we pay attention, and follow through with reflection, great hard questions, separating fact from fiction, and having the support of a thought partner. Thunderbird Leadership Consulting offers executive and leadership coaching, and is available to assist you with situations in which you, or your workplace, feels “stuck”. For more information, contact us at info@thunderbirdleadership.com.