The Butterfly Effect

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on July 16, 2018

I was a philosophy major as an undergraduate and for my senior thesis I found myself wrestling with determinism v. free will. Are we on a pre-planned course? Do we have the capacity to change the world? My answer at the time was that everything is in effect determined by all that has come before, that we are on a track rolling toward our destiny, but we still must choose our course based on what we know and feel at the time to be right, and that is, in effect, free will.
So, who would think some xx years later, I’d read a small statement that brought me back to those heady college days.

Butterfly Effect
The scientific theory that a single occurrence,
no matter how small,
can change the course of the universe
forever.

This concept emerges from chaos theory[i] and challenges my notion of determinism.  Chaos theory proposes that in complex systems, small changes can have unpredicted effects.  That is why weather prediction, while getting more accurate, still remains a matter of probabilities… or predicting the stock market, election results, etc. And interestingly, in research, we know that just having an observer can influence the outcome.
So, this got me to thinking about my coaching and organizational development work.  I thought about DiSC™ styles. DiSC™ identifies four different ways healthy people approach the world (in various combinations) as ways we can better understand ourselves and others. One of the key elements it explores is sense of control. Some of us tend to think we control our world (let me lead) and others that we must respond to our world (let me prepare).
Those that think we control our world tend to be action oriented, decisive and fast-paced.  I associated that with the concept of free-will, creating one’s destiny. Those that think we must respond to what the world hands us tend to be more analytical, deliberative and more moderate-paced. I associated that with the concept of determinism, having to accept what happens.
The Butterfly effect suggests that we all have impact whether we are aware of it or not – that how I act or even if I act is a choice that impacts my world. I sometimes feel very small, unimportant and of little value. I can convince myself that whether I take action, donate to a cause, speak up or stand up will make little difference. But the Butterfly Effect reminds me that I what I do or don’t do makes a difference.  We are all interconnected, and our actions matter even when we don’t know it.
Heraclitus stated, “The only constant is change.” This was true some 2500 years ago, and is even more so, now. Our world is complex, rapidly changing, and only somewhat predictable…so let me do as much as I can to prepare (responding to the world) and then step up (creating our destiny) as I need to.
How do I prepare? I keep current on what is happening in my world, in my sphere of influence.  I consider possibilities and probabilities and what resources and actions might be required. I also consider my values, my priorities and sense of purpose so that I base my course of action on what is important.
How do I step up and lead? I use all my preparation to allow thoughtful and meaningful decisions in the time frame that is required.  I avoid knee jerk reactions or being immobilized because I was not prepared.
And I whether I tend to be more action or preparation oriented, I find trusted people in my world who complement my strengths and skills and join me in actions and decisions…without always knowing the results of our actions and decisions. And I accept the fact that the end results may not be what I thought they would be.
In my first career, I was a youth and family counselor.  I provided prevention and early intervention work to middle school students. I met with a group of 7th grade girls to help them adjust to adolescence and middle school. One of the girls never spoke in the group and I wondered why she kept coming and doubted anything we did was making a difference.  Some four years later, I was walking down the halls of a high school when a young woman approached me and called me by name.  It was this same young woman, now a confident and successful junior in high school.  I told her that I was surprised she recognized me and she said something I will never forgot. “I remember everyone who tried to help me.”
So, consider the Butterfly Effect in human behavior as well as in the physical world. Every day we make choices about where we put our energy, how we behave, what we do…and what we think.  We make a difference in our world mindfully or heedlessly.
On November 9th, Thunderbird Leadership will be sponsoring our 12th Annual Leadership Summit, Being on Purpose: Small Enough to Manage, Big Enough to Matter. We’ll be exploring how we can intentionally impact our world from our own little spot on our own little planet.  For more information go to: http://thunderbirdleadership.com/event/12th-annual-leadership-summit-being-on-purpose
“Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.”  – Eckhart Tolle
[i] For a brief introduction to the Butterfly Effect and Chaos Theory check out: https://www.americanscientist.org/article/understanding-the-butterfly-effect
https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2018/02/13/chaos-theory-the-butterfly-effect-and-the-computer-glitch-that-started-it-all/#58b6d90269f6
 
 

When the Going Gets Rough: Turn to Wonder

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on June 15, 2018

We have been conditioned to believe in a direct link between action and reaction, cause and effect.  Something happens (you do something) and I respond. This leads us to think we do not have control over our reactions to our environment…you made me mad! You hurt my feelings!
What we know however, is that context influences our reactions.  In psychology there is an entire therapeutic practice based on this – cognitive-behavioral therapy.  It is premised on the concept that between cause and effect is my interpretation of the situation…and this influences my response.
A dear friend of mine has often said, “When you love someone, you can tolerate just about anything…once you fall out of love, the way they brush their teeth can make you crazy.”
I used to carpool with a friend who had a baby daughter.  Towards the end of the work day, she got a call from the sitter that her little one started spiking a fever.  My friend called the doctor and was told the office would squeeze them in if they could get there by 5:30. We left the office immediately and hurried to the sitter. Of course, it was rush hour and there was road construction. A lane on the road was closed up ahead and everyone was merging. How would we make it on time? I am not sure of your attitude toward the people who whiz by you when the lane is ending, but I have always considered them selfish, arrogant, pushy… And yet, I opted to zip down that merge lane to the very end to save us precious time…and someone graciously let me back in!  We made it to the sitter and my friend and her sweet baby made it to the doctor’s office on time!
Why do I share this story?  It is about context.  Now when people are whizzing by me in the merge lane, I stop myself from getting upset and wonder where they might be hurrying to, what might be going on in their lives.
When things get rough, turn to wonder. The Center for Courage and Renewali developed touchstones for their Circles of Trust, one of which is the focus of this month’s blog entry.  “When the going gets rough, turn to wonder.” ii
Rather than create and act on my own understanding about what is happening, why people are doing what they are doing, what their motivations might be, I can step back and reflect. If I assume most people have good reasons for their behavior, what could they be?
Most people are able to defend their actions.  I don’t have to agree with their justification or decision, but how does it impact my reaction if I at least understand why they are doing what they are doing. Does it soften my response? Do I have a chance of building relationship rather than destroying it? Can my understanding bring us closer, rather than increase distance?
My challenge is to discipline myself to take that step back and consider alternative explanations. I aspire to be open minded and a life-long learner. The practice of turning to wonder seems an ideal technique to help me achieve those aspirations. Now if only I could help others do the same…
I have several colleagues, friends and even family members who are convinced that they know other people’s motives and intent, without ever checking to see if their assumptions are true. When I see things differently, I have a hard time even inviting them into my world.  I find myself shutting down instead and avoiding the conversation at all because I see them as unwilling to even consider another point of view.
What if I could invite them to turn to wonder…it doesn’t mean they have to change their conclusion, but to at least entertain the possibility that there is more than one way to see things.  We know that perspective taking increases innovation and creates a more inclusive and accepting environment.
I wonder:

  • If asking them to turn to wonder could be a more acceptable and approachable way for them to consider other options?
  • If I could connect with them instead of shutting down?
  • Why they think their way is the only right way?
  • Why it is so important for me to influence their way of thinking?

There are so many possibilities. What do you wonder about?
____________________________________________________
i The goal of the Center for Courage and Renewal is to strengthen relationships, build trust and empower people to create a better world. All of us have the capacity to lead from where we are to influence our environments for good. They do this through Circles of Trust. http://www.couragerenewal.org/
ii When the going gets rough, turn to wonder. Turn from reaction and judgment to wonder and compassionate inquiry. Ask yourself, “I wonder why they feel/think this way?” or “I wonder what my reaction teaches me about myself?” Set aside judgment to listen to others—and to yourself—more deeply.

Professional Beach Reads

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on May 16, 2018

I was watching the waves crashing on the beach this past Thanksgiving while talking to my son. We were talking about work and the challenges of management, decision-making and leadership.  He told me about a book he had just read called Decisive by Chip and Dan Heath.  With the incredible luxury of WIFI and Kindle, it was in my hands within minutes…and I had my perfect “professional beach read.”
While I was relaxing and recharging, Decisive became my companion. It was entertaining, thought provoking and inspiring.  It insinuated itself into my relaxation as a way to rethink challenges that would be waiting for me when I returned home.
As coaches, we encourage leaders to step back and reflect, but everyone has to find their own way to do it successfully. For me, a professional beach read is like floating aimlessly on a raft and seeing where I end up…without a specific end goal in mind, but open to possibilities and connections.
So, as we set out on another summer, hop on board and consider the possibilities of your own professional beach read and see where it takes you.  Hopefully, you too will return, recharged, inspired and with some new strategies in your tool box.
Beach Read I – recommended by Rory Gilbert
Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work (Heath, Chip; Heath, Dan), The Crown Publishing Group, Kindle Edition
In Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work, Chip and Dan Heath provide some staggering statistics about how poor our decision-making is: everything from career choices (50% of teachers quit within 4 years, 40% of senior level hires are pushed out or quit within 18 months) to business decisions (83% of mergers and acquisitions fail to create value for stakeholders), to retirement saving, relationships, food choices…you name it. They then challenge us:
“When it comes to making decisions, it’s clear that our brains are flawed instruments. But less attention has been paid to another compelling question: Given that we’re wired to act foolishly sometimes, how can we do better?” (Heath, Kindle locations 80-83)
The Heath’s premise is that our decision-making processes are flawed and better processes such as exploring alternative points of view, recognizing uncertainty and searching for evidence that contradicts our beliefs can help us improve our outcomes.
They explore four “villains of decision making” and recommend strategies to overcome them.  The villains are: narrow framing – seeing limited options – this or that; confirmation bias – seeking out data that confirms our initial opinion or belief; short-term emotion – that limits our ability to have perspective; and over-confidence – trusting your own ability to predict the future.
And the rest of the book is about how to counter these villains. They provide a simple formula and then specific suggestions that are practical and immediately applicable.  Two of my favorites:

  • Watch out for limiting options – when we hear “do I want this or that…” start thinking about how to combine this and that and/or what else can you do. Don’t succumb to a forced choice – open up the possibilities!

How do I use this? I have a tendency to get really excited about new projects.  Usually, I am asked – do you want to take this on or not?  I always want to say yes…it sounds like fun, I am confident I/we can do it.  Over time, I have learned to find people to help me reality check my excitement.  All I can see is the possibilities glimmering in front of me.  I now have a kitchen cabinet who gets me out of “the spotlight effect” and answers my question, “what am I not thinking of?”
The Heath’s propose: “What if we started every decision by asking some simple questions: What are we giving up by making this choice? What else could we do with the same time and money?” (Heath, Kindle Locations 688-690)

  • Consider the opposite – try to gain perspective and overcome confirmation bias – they discuss the value of “the devil’s advocate,” and also talk about the challenge if people get too polarized. One of their suggestions to reduce polarization is to ask folks from different points of view, “What would have to be true for this option to be the right answer?” (Heath, Kindle Locations 1483-1484) Now, the exercise is about looking at variables and possibilities rather than just maintaining a position.  This strategy enhances cooperation, understanding and mutual commitment to the best outcome.

And there are more…I keep getting excited about another one and another one…so I think I just better suggest, read the book!  It is fun, enlightening and entertaining.
 
Beach Read II – recommended by Jill Bachman
Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong about the World- and Why Things Are Better Than You Think (Rosling, Hans; Ronnlund, Anna Rosling; Rosling, Ola), 2018, Flatiron Books
While this title may not grab you as a “professional beach read”, it did turn into that for me. The book is intelligent, humorous, easy to read, and chock full of aha moments. Rosling, who collaborated with his adult daughter and son on the book, is Swedish, and dedicated much of his life to understanding the important trends in the world. Educated as a physician, he practiced in evolving third world countries. He was also a statistician, academic and public speaker. At a very early age he developed liver issues, coping with hepatitis C throughout his life. In 2017, he died from pancreatic cancer at the age of 68, one year after being diagnosed. He was driven to complete this book before his death.
Rosling starts your journey with an introduction about sword swallowing, a mini-discussion of chimpanzee logic (there is none, really, just randomness), and a series of questions (the Gapminder Test) about the state of current world conditions. I was woefully disappointed in my score, as I view myself as someone who “keeps up” with things like poverty, hunger, global warming and other “light” (ha!) beach read topics.
He then presents the reader with a series of “instincts” which he believes are the basis of our gross misunderstanding of the world. Taken together, these 10 instincts create a powerful set of approaches to help us behave more thoughtfully and effectively. The instincts are the Gap Instinct, the Negativity Instinct, the Straight Line Instinct, the Fear Instinct, the Size Instinct, the Generalization Instinct, the Destiny Instinct, the Single Perspective Instinct, the Blame Instinct, and the Urgency Instinct. Each of the instincts is developed with his real-life examples, some heartbreaking in their “missing the boat”. He concludes the book with chapters titled Factfulness in Practice, and Factfulness Rules of Thumb. I loved his quote near the end; “When we have a fact-based worldview, we can see that the world is not as bad as it seems- and we can see what we have to do to keep making it better.” (Rosling, Kindle location 3316.)
Two of the instincts that I find myself frequently “defaulting” to are the negativity instinct and the urgency instinct. The negativity instinct, he claims, is especially bad because “The loss of hope is probably the most devastating consequence,” (Rosling, Kindle location 876), keeping us from taking action on a situation. He suggests that we learn to keep two ideas in our head at the same time, something like, “This is a tragic situation AND here is something that can be done about it.” Another idea is to expect bad news, so that you don’t get caught off guard when bad things happen.
The urgency instinct is a problem, he claims, because “When we are under time pressures and thinking of worst case scenarios, we tend to make really stupid decisions.” (Rosling, Kindle location 2893.) To counteract an urgency impulse, stop and name it as a call/demand/expectation to take immediate action. Question just how urgent the situation really is. The truth is, those situations are rare today. Be wary of drastic action. How many times have you responded urgently to something, only to create a worse outcome for yourself? If someone is trying to convince you that you need to act now, insist on more information. What will happen if you decide not to act NOW. Will the sale come again? Can the issue really be solved in a heartbeat anyway? Recognize that the manipulative use of fear is often behind the call to urgency in order to get us to respond.
 In today’s dramatic and media-driven climate, a book that suggests that many things we thought were awful are actually improving has naturally generated critical responses, challenging that Rosling was a Pollyanna, and a confused statistician. IMHO, whether or not you agree with those criticisms, Rosling performed a valuable service with this book, giving us tools to think and respond much more deeply about the state of the world and our own lives.
We’d love to hear from you and learn more about your favorite beach reads as we all head into the summer ready to be re-energized.

Going it Alone?

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on April 15, 2018

In the world of work, it is important to appear capable and strong. As a leader, I have to make the tough calls. While I value collaboration, the truth is that in the end it is about what I accomplish, how I am seen.  That is how I succeed, how I earn my paycheck, how I advance.
If we reflect honestly, aren’t these messages lingering in the back of our minds and influencing how we connect with our work world?  Do these messages really help us be and do our best?
Let’s take a look at the outcomes of these messages:

  • We become cautious about what we share.
  • We become anxious about making mistakes.
  • We don’t ask for help when we need it.
  • We become defensive when people make suggestions or question us.
  • We feel disconnected from our colleagues.

And the outcomes for our company or organization?

  • Missed opportunities
  • Missed innovations
  • Increased risk
  • Decreased productivity

The notion that we need to “go it alone” is hard to shake.  And yet, research indicates that creating inclusive, trusting work environments increases profits, productivity, innovation and results.  But how do you change your thinking and change your culture?
One proven strategy is coaching for both individuals and teams. “According to the 2009 Global Coaching Client Study, 96 percent of clients said they would repeat the coaching experience. That kind of validation underscores why many organizations are calling in the coaches as a way to achieve success.” (https://www.shrm.org/hr-today/news/hr-magazine/pages/0914-executive-coaching.aspx)
A coach is a thinking partner who provides support, perspective, insights and an accountability structure for change in a safe and confidential environment.  Coaches have skills in the processes that allow for change: listening, observing, asking probing questions, identifying conflicting thoughts and feelings, developing plans, timelines, milestones, assessing obstacles and ensuring strategies for commitment and accountability.

“Thank you so much! We couldn’t have done it without you; your energy, focus and expertise in guiding us was exceptional!”

Coaches adapt their style based on your preferred way of communicating, learning and handling confrontation and decision making.

“I’ve used (coach)’s services …with my leadership team. Her expert facilitation of our leadership retreats, along with her engaging presence, helped to motivate even skeptical team members to learn more about themselves and each other. Not only does she listen, but she follows through to make sure she meets everyone’s expectations.” 

Some coaches are experts in your field and may change hats to a consulting and information imparting role, but others are experts in coaching and count on you to be the expert in your field. 

“I enjoy talking with you because I always walk away having learned something about myself and my organization.”

One thing coaches don’t ever do is tell you what to do.  They are on the sidelines – you are in the game and you are the decision-maker.
As certified coach Michael Esposito, SPHR, puts it, “A great coach raises probing questions, and the client comes to the answer himself. A great consultant tells you what you need to do.” (https://www.shrm.org/hr-today/news/hr-magazine/pages/0914-executive-coaching.aspx)
Why have a coach? To explore issues and decisions in a safe, non-judgmental environment – risk free!  Because the coach is not in your reporting line or part of your team, you have the opportunity to be more open, take risks in thinking and exploring. You can even be grouchy, irritated, frustrated, scared or downright despairing without ruining your public image or affecting a performance appraisal.
Coaching will also look different depending on where you are in your professional development. Coaching can be used at the start of one’s career to identify strengths, address challenges and identify goals.

“I wanted to give you some very exciting and life changing news. I mentioned in my last email to you, I applied for x position.  I got the call today and I accepted. After the call, I wanted to dance on the top of my desk, however OSHA standards, LOL 
 I am full of emotions with the news. I can’t put into words how much you helped me grow personally and professionally. Thank you for all the support, and guidance and not letting me off the hook …  I am lucky to have you … you helped me find the confidence to apply. You helped me re-gain my focus on my career path. I will carry the tools you gave me in my bag for the rest of my career.”

For some individuals, it is about transitioning to a new or higher position…and identifying behaviors that need to be strengthened or changed.

“My coach reflects back what I have said and suddenly I am faced with perspectives I had not even considered!”  

For some, it is about being lonely at the top…having someone with whom you can be fully vulnerable – where you don’t have to be “on.”

“It is with sincere gratitude that I express my experience of personal growth during my coaching sessions over the past few months. Not only does my coach actively listen, she hears what the underlying conversation is that remains unsaid. Her insights and ideas have fostered contemplation and new actions to take to meet my desires and goals. Thank you for supporting me in achieving balance to what can be an otherwise hectic pace….”

And as for team coaching, the entire team is invited to grow with a shared vision and shared agreements on how to work together…building trust, increasing skills and capacities to keep on top of today’s rapidly changing environment.

“Thank you! The team is soaring. You have been a great help to us and we are finally getting back to feeling as though we each have value and add value to the team, campus and organization.” 

At Thunderbird, we consider coaching leaders and leadership teams our “sweet spot.”  All our coaches have been in leadership positions and know what it is like to be out there alone.  We truly appreciate our ability to partner with people and watch them identify and achieve their goals.  It is great to be on the sidelines of your success!!!
At Thunderbird, the core of our work… is based on trust, community and integrity. We live in a turbulent world. There is so much fear. We foster safe spaces for people to have hard conversations, to be vulnerable with each other, to discover and learn to create better futures for themselves and their organizations. We believe people are well-intentioned but they don’t always have the skills they need.
Our sweet spot is leaders at all levels! People are generally interested in improving themselves and their companies. We provide a forum for them to be their best!
 Find out more at: http://thunderbirdleadership.com/how-we-help/

Power Tools at Work

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on February 16, 2018

I am passionate about creating fabulous work environments; ones that are highly productive, mission-focused, energizing, inclusive and innovative. What words would you add to that list?
We spend so much of our waking hours at work, shouldn’t it be a place that energizes us instead of drains us? I don’t mind going home from work fatigued from the mental and physical work, but I do question the value of going home drained from frustrating, demoralizing and discounting experiences.
As I was driving to a session on DiSC™ this morning, I thought about how DiSC™ can help to create that environment. (The DiSC profile, published by Wiley, is a non-judgmental tool used for discussion of people’s behavioral differences.) We usually think about DiSC™ or personality-type assessments as tools to help us get along better with our colleagues, but this morning I started thinking about how they can be so much more. . . about how they can actually become POWER TOOLS.
When we use DiSC™ or other assessments in a deeper way, we have the ability to influence the organizational culture to one that truly values diversity, and honors and celebrates differences as essential to an effective workplace that promotes quality work, engagement, high productivity and innovation.
From my work on creating inclusive cultures, I have focused on the following key elements; empathy, perspective taking, communication and conflict management across differences. People who are culturally competent seek to understand another’s world view and recognize that the way they see the world is not the only way to see the world. (Perspective Taking) They care about another’s experience of the world. (Empathy) They recognize that communication is not just about what is sent, but what is received and strive to find practices that ensure effective outcomes. (Communication) And they recognize that tensions are produced through misunderstood communication, differences in values, differences in perspectives, priorities, etc. The ability to work together to understand and resolve these differences provides opportunities for growth, innovation and connection. (Conflict Management)
When we dig deeper into DiSC™ or other assessments, we can see that they provide a training platform for important organizational growth. As people learn about the different styles or types, they recognize that other people do not see the world the way they do. As they listen to other people explaining their perspectives, they begin to develop empathy for the other. As they discuss strategies to work with people from different styles or types, they begin to strengthen their communication skills, and finally, when they see differences as potential for growth, innovation and connection, they reframe their view of conflict.
This requires using DiSC™ or your preferred assessment as an ongoing part of your culture rather than the once- a-year-ain’t-it-interesting-team-building activity at the annual retreat. It means:

  • Orienting all new employees to your assessment, how and why it is used
  • Posting the assessment results permanently to remind people of the assessment and the diversity of results
  • Recognizing the dominant style/type culture of the organization and what that means for employees, customers and the business itself
  • Providing strategies for ensuring non-dominant styles/types are needed, valued and included. This can include:
  1. Identifying styles of all participants in work groups and discussing how this will impact the way you work
  2. Delegating roles to capitalize on strengths and/or to strengthen areas of challenge (intentionally and mindfully)
  3. Leaders running meetings to ensure all voices are heard – not just the loudest
  4. Noticing gaps in your organization – and recognizing if that might be a problem – and if so, how do you fix it.

What happens when people’s styles and strengths are recognized and accommodated? People feel valued and engaged. They contribute more, they stretch more, resulting in higher productivity and performance.
When people feel valued and contribute, the organization benefits from new ideas as well as identifying problems and risks earlier. These behaviors help create high performing, innovative organizations, and interestingly, these cultural behaviors are also noted in the most inclusive organizations.
These same strategies that honor the information revealed from DiSC™ or other assessment styles, can be used to honor differences in age, experience, race and ethnicity, culture, gender, sexual orientation, discipline. We can broaden our skills to value what people bring to the table rather than their job title, role or social identity.
If I can learn to appreciate your different way of thinking based on your assessment style, it might just be possible for me to appreciate your way of seeing the world through your other lenses. I might take time and ask more questions to understand your point of view. I might adapt my style to better communicate with you. And then, I can use those same skills to address some of those harder identities where the “baggage” of history has made those connections harder to resolve. I might react less quickly, reach out more for understanding, take time to explain my perspective and understand yours, and discover new possibilities.
And yes, my session went really well this morning. The management team explored how they can use DiSC™ more dynamically to improve performance and morale. They considered their own style strengths and some of the areas they could address to be more effective with their teams, and with each other. It was a wonderful morning. . . and I came home energized and excited about their future together.
Contact info@thunderbirdleadership.com if you want more information about DiSC™ or other facilitation work we can provide.
Resources for more information
Only Skin Deep – Reassessing the Case for Diversity, 2011
https://www.ced.org/pdf/Deloitte_-_Only_Skin_Deep.pdf
Forbringer, Louis R. (2002) Overview of the Gallup Organization’s Q-12 Survey, O.E. Solutions.
Wiseman, Liz and McKeown, Greg. (2010) Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter. New York: Harper Collins.

Lessons Learned

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on December 15, 2017

As we approach the end of the year, it is a wonderful time to reflect and take stock on what we’ve learned. Some learnings are easy, many come through unexpected challenges.  We’ve asked our consultant team to share some of the lessons that have emerged for them this year, and hope they provide you with insights that you will find helpful.
Experience Fun!
What I’ve settled on is as much something I aspire to, as something I’ve learned. Here it is. Life may turn out to be shorter than we had imagined, but one thing is for sure – Life is definitely better than we could have ever imagined. We have all been richly blessed. There’s so much joy and beauty available to us every day, and so much fun to be had in almost every moment. I’ve learned that I want to be more lighthearted and playful, and really experience all the fun that’s available to us. This is a bit of a reach for a serious, hard-working German girl like me, so if you see me off track, please remind me to lighten up.
Clean House
One of my lessons focuses on my 2017 year of “cleaning house” – both literally and figuratively.  Sold my condo, said goodbye to being Condo Board president for 15 plus years, now sharing a tiny little house with my sweetie, gave away more than half of my furniture…. and simplified.  The smallness is comforting, the shedding of “stuff” allowing me to breathe more freely.  Marie Kondo’s book, “The life-changing magic of tidying up” was inspiring.   Admittedly, progress on eliminating “keepsakes” and books/documents (some of which are still sitting in the basement…old family photographs (half of the faces not identifiable!), the syllabus for a class I “might” teach, past work creations) are slower-going, as Kondo suggests they can be – but my progress is real, shedding a light on how “tidying up” has freed (and continues to free) my mind and my soul.
Be Present!
I have come to carry 3 words with me this year that have meant A LOT! Be. Here. Now. They point me to the understanding that the present is all I have, and I dare not waste this precious resource by micro-planning every little step of an anticipated experience, nor replaying (and often affirming my own righteousness in) an unpleasant past experience. “Be here now”, has helped me stop to breathe, to stop the flow of words in my head, and to listen to the sound of my heart, my breath, or the silence inside me. Quieting my mind has become a practice I look forward to every morning. . . I am an early riser and I love to watch dawn color the sky. Being here now, in the present, is also directly linked to presence, which is the very best part of myself that I can give to another. Or to the sunrise.
Manage Anger and Frustration
I have been working hard to control my anger and frustration when situations arise. Since I am the only person that knows when anger is building, I have learned to recognize the danger signs when they begin. I can choose how to react in a situation and just because my first instinct is to become angry doesn’t mean it is the correct response.  I realize that when I start to get angry I need to stop what I am doing and breathe deeply. This interrupts my angry thoughts and helps put me back on a more positive path. Also, if I imagine how I look and behave when I am angry I probably would not want to be around someone like that.  A great person once shared that if I “Pause, find Peace and Pray, I can’t but help create an Attitude of Gratitude.”
Redefine Time  – this came up twice! As consultants, we are not bound by the typical 9 – 5 clock of an employee. Does this impact how we see time?
I have been challenging my misconception about time. . . the clock is useful for some things, but not as a way to experience and evaluate my life. Have I done everything I wanted to do before I turned a certain age? Did I get everything finished that I wanted to do on Friday? What crazy pressures! Because my life is no longer constrained by the clock, I am experimenting with the natural rhythms and ebb and flow of things . . .like my energy, the need to balance work, play and rest, the times for eating.
One lesson for me this year is to be mindful of how I spend my time. I am aware that time is a finite commodity. Am I doing what I want to be doing? What I need to be doing? Or am I just doing?  I am working at being more aware of the choices I make in how I spend my time both at work, in volunteer capacities and at leisure. Even when all I am doing is playing spider solitaire on my cell phone, I can give myself permission to be in a restful state — almost meditative — accepting that down time is a reasonable choice sometimes rather than berating myself about “wasting time.”  And I can make intentional decisions about the work I choose to do — having fun, finding meaning and earning money!  Rather than feeling obligated or compelled to work at things that are stressful and demotivating.  (Yes, I am fortunate to be able to choose this.) And I am finding that being is a valuable way to spend my time — being with family and friends, being outdoors, and being with my colleagues – with you all … who provide me with energy, perspective and support.
See Beyond our Thoughts
I’d say the most important lesson I’ve learned this year is to realize that I don’t need to believe everything I think or anything that anyone else thinks. I grew up in a household that was incredibly loving, full of extended family members who created a safe space for me and my cousins to play and laugh. It was also a household where “father knows Best” and everyone else’s thoughts came in second or third or nowhere at all.
So, in college, I was suddenly in a place where everyone wanted to know what I thought. Thinking was encouraged. And I got to voraciously read and discover other thinkers thorough-out history. I got to organize my thoughts around theories that inspired me and writers who were so articulate in discussing and defending their thoughts. I had many many journals which I used to express my thoughts about everything. You could say I became enamored by my own thoughts. And eventually gained expertise in helping myself and others explore their thought patterns, understand their origins, determine whether they were limiting beliefs and learn to shift or change them to create better results.
So, you can imagine my surprise, during my final year of my doctoral program, as I’m finishing up a 400+ page dissertation, to realize that I don’t need to believe what I think and that I don’t need to even heal my thoughts or shift my thoughts or have anything to do with my thoughts.  And that there’s a space beyond thought, a place of Presence and stillness and nothingness that holds more beauty, more potential, more joy than any of my thoughts or other people’s thoughts could ever imagine or express.
This experience is allowing me to relax into being “ordinary” and free to be with other people’s thoughts without the need to be on the defense or offense of anything. It’s bringing into my life a sense of groundedness and compassion and curiosity and insights the likes of which I have never experienced before.
Accept Ourselves as We Are
This year has been a year of unfolding awareness around the passage of time – of shifts in the way I hold myself in relationship to the world, an enlarging awareness that my presence – our presence – on the earth is but temporary, and the startling reality that things I never expected have planted themselves firmly in the landscape of my life.
I have been toying with existential questions – why are we here, what purpose does any one individual have, what is the meaning of this thing we call life?  I invited myself to lift and lift and lift above the details of the daily human experience and really try to SEE what made sense about life and living.  What a surprise when I realized that my presence on this earth – from a larger perspective – is absolutely and utterly insignificant!  Creation will not care if I eat kale or write bad music or am good at cleaning the kitchen.  I will not invent the light bulb or paint the Sistine Chapel or have my name attached to some doctrine.  The details of my daily life are inconsequential, and I am not required to place any kind of signature whatsoever on human history.
Paradoxically, the moment I had that realization was the same moment in which I understood fully that it is my own unique way of being, instead of my way of doing, that contributes to all of creation in a way that is meaningful and sustains the goodness that surrounds us always, whether we know it or not.  It was the moment in which I knew, without doubt, that expanding in love and kindness, compassion and generosity, caring and integrity, honesty and grace and offering THAT to the world (and to myself) is truly the only job I have as a human being.  Less doing, more Being!
So, let time fly or drag or whatever it does today or tomorrow.  My intention is to love every moment of this glorious, mysterious, messy, confusing gift called life – and to graciously forgive myself if I slip now and then!  To paraphrase one of my favorite sayings – when the tide rises ALL boats rise!!
And we invite you to share your lessons learned or your aspirations for next year with us as well in the spirit of giving that frames this time of year. Here’s a start on 2018. . . 
Study Sound
Next year I want to study sound, and the effect it has on our lives. . . the good, the bad, and the ugly. When friends from a big city come to visit me in rural Arizona, they consistently say, in a reverent way, “It is so quiet here!” The effect of abusive noise, including those noises in our heads, and the benefit of beautiful sounds (like Joyce’s harp at the Summit) are topics I want to explore.
Thank you to all our contributors: Julie Wechsler, Jill Bachman, Michael Cavanaugh, Mary Lockhart, Rory Gilbert, Noushin Bayat, Carla Rotering

Reflections on Being of Service: Leadership Summit 2017

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on November 15, 2017

Thunderbird Leadership held its 11th Leadership Summit on Friday, November 10th. When the planning team convened, they discussed its proximity to Veterans Day and we were all taken by the notion of service. What does service mean? How do we serve? Who benefits? The day evolved into exploring notions of service, mercy and compassion…recognizing potential avenues to impact others as well as the need to care for ourselves so we have the genuine capacity to serve.

Dr. Gladys McGarey was the keynote speaker. She will be celebrating her 97th birthday this month and shared the story of her life in decades starting with her early childhood in northern India where her parents were medical missionaries. Clearly, she was born to service. Her story depicted a life of courage, seeking truth, and finding ways to bring healthful living to people throughout the world. We were struck by her challenge to change the medical model from “a war against disease,” to one that seeks life and balance – moving from fear to love. Her story was spellbinding and the consensus was that we could have listened to her all day!

How often do we take time to truly listen to others’ stories? Each of us has a tale to tell of how we arrived at this moment in time.

Our next speakers were Dr. Gladys’ extended family – who spoke about well-being. Julie Wechsler, a certified executive and well-being coach, shared factors that matter for overall well-being in our lives and differentiated surviving and thriving. She integrated how service was a critical part of thriving and introduced her daughter-in-law, Ashley, to share what service has meant to her. Ashley told her heartfelt story of being a “Big” for Big Brothers, Big Sisters and how it has profoundly changed her life. Ashley has been a Big Sister to the same girl for seven years…their families now entwine even more with connections, love and honor with Ashley’s Little Sister’s brother and sister.

The message was loud and clear – when we give, we receive.

Dr. Carla Rotering talked about mercy and forgiveness. Her gentle, thoughtful and deep remarks challenged us to “radical mercy,” to have compassion for ourselves and others without evaluating who “deserves” it. How do we navigate the world if we believe people are doing the best that they can? How do we treat ourselves if we believe that about ourselves? What is the impact on the world? Dr. Rotering completed her presentation with a poem she wrote, “The Reckoning,” that left us speechless – a journey from doubt and pain, to compassion and self-acceptance.

“And the tenderness of your true heart rises up to meet you
At the higher place to which you have come
And the shroud that has bound the secrets to your spirit for so long
Simply falls away.”
Carla Rotering, 2002

So, here we are at a Leadership Summit about service and we are being asked to take care of ourselves – recognizing that we cannot genuinely serve others if our own self is untended, uncared for. I am reminded of a concept from Dr. Brene Brown who stated that the people who are the most compassionate have the best boundaries. They know themselves, care for themselves and act from the heart, from love and “radical mercy,” not from obligation.

And the truth is, we can all feel that difference, can’t we?

In the afternoon, we heard from Katie Owens and her story of resilience, depicting how we can move from disappointment and rejection to new opportunities and possibilities. Once again, the message is about inner strength making space for genuine service.

“Out beyond stories of right-doing and wrong-doing, there is a field, I’ll meet you there…”  Rumi

And finally, Mary Lockhart, Noushin Bayat and I finished the day looking at how the messages we tell ourselves impact our ability to act, to serve. Back to stories once again! We challenged ourselves and our participants to differentiate fact from fiction, observation from interpretation. We asked participants to “turn to wonder” when things get difficult, turning away from, “I don’t,” “I can’t,” “I never,” and opening possibilities for new stories and new perspectives, concluding with a quote from Viktor Frankl,

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

And then, the day was over. Our heads were filled with messages of care, compassion and passion for ourselves and for others…to see the world in a new way and to find our place of impact, not to wait for the right time, but to make today the right time.

P.S. – There were so many fabulous contributors to the day that enhanced the experience of the Summit for everyone. Check our photo gallery to see the support of our sponsors, imagine the day graced by harpist Joyce Beukers, massage therapist Heather Paslay and graphic documentarian Stephanie Levine. A Silent Auction inspired generous giving which netted well over $2000. Every participant had a chance to submit “their” charity of choice for the Silent Auction proceeds, and this year, the Humane Society was the lucky recipient. We hope you will be able to join us next year!

Warriors for the Human Spirit

Kathy Scott on November 1, 2017

I had the pleasure of participating in the planning and presentation of a Leadership Intensive for Nurse Leaders October 19-21. The attendees arrived on a Thursday evening, weary from their work week and a bit uncomfortable in a new environment with strangers. We did our best to help them feel comfortable and pampered in a beautiful, fall-desert setting with beautiful gardens and accommodations.

This was a first-class offering with expert speakers from around the country; each integrating their expertise, insight and wisdom into their presentations and case studies. I realized as I listened that each of the speakers was also a warrior for the human spirit, approaching their work with gentleness, decency and bravery. They shared stories of creating strategies that would move their area of influence forward over the long haul. They focused their passion and energy on what was possible, albeit often difficult and/or unpopular but needed, to accomplish the vision and create healthier environments.

I watched the weary-leader participants perk up, sit up, get engaged in the discussions. We provided them with new tools that would help them see and shape their organizations in new ways. We also shared our view of the needed leadership attributes for today’s world of disruption and chaos, in order to influence more effectively, achieve personal success, healthier environments and sustainable results. Each attendee walked away with the beginnings of a plan to address a difficult problem they were dealing with. And they left with a network of new colleagues and friends with whom they will connect over the months to come.

I too left energized, knowing deep inside that we are preparing the next generation of leaders to lead from a new place. This place acknowledges the importance of nurturing the human spirit while leading with competence in today’s dynamic and complex systems.

Kathy Scott, RN, PhD, FACHE

Being of Service – the Stories That Inspire

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on September 8, 2017

On the Friday of Veteran’s Day Weekend, Thunderbird Leadership will be hosting its 11th Annual Leadership Summit. The notion of service logically emerged as the theme.
When we see folks in the military, we thank them for their service…they relinquish the many privileges that most of us take for granted to serve a greater good.
And the importance of service cannot be overlooked. There is a strong conviction in numerous belief systems to contribute to making the world a better place.
Each of us know stories of heroism, courage, purpose and forgiveness that inspire us and call us toward something better, something larger, toward the best version of ourselves.  Those who have embraced service as the central value of their lives loom in our mind’s eye as extraordinary, perhaps even as chosen in some inexplicable fashion.  We consider them with awe, wondering what it might be like to be an icon of such devotion, such commitment, such dimension, such altruism.1
But what of us? How do we see ourselves in the role of service?
Sometimes, acts of courage unfold in quieter and less spectacular ways.  Woven within our personal biographies are our own moments of courage, sharp purpose, of kindness and tender mercies – spectacular stories, ordinary stories and sometimes forgotten stories.  Captured in the details of our very own lives is the evidence that we each know the ways in which we, too, serve those around us and serve the greater good – and we know the deep fulfillment and connection that emerges when we consciously center our lives in service.
We have an illusion that our past is static, fixed in history…and yet, memory is really fluid. What we recall, the stories we tell ourselves, impacts what we think we are capable of. I am fascinated by the notion of how our memory serves us and am not sure what changes first, our thoughts and beliefs or the memories that inspire them.
At the Summit, we will have a chance to hear from Dr. Gladys McGarey, a pioneer in integrated medicine. She has had an amazing 97 years on this planet from her early years in pre-partition India with her medical missionary parents to her pioneering practice in the Phoenix area. When we talked about what she will present, she noted that the direction of her remarks will be influenced by her audience…what memories will we invoke? How will she inspire us?
We will all have an opportunity to share, to listen, to explore our own stories … to understand with new perspectives who we are, what we have accomplished and what we are capable of going forward.
We will also have a chance to challenge our stories. Are some of them outdated? Ones we need to rewrite? In graduate school many years ago, a professor asked me to lead a group on a project. I told him, “Oh no, I am not a leader, I am a good follower.” He looked at me with a puzzled expression on his face and said, “That may have been true in the past, but not anymore.”
And of course, I remember that story and use it in my own coaching practice.
So what do you tell yourself? What stories are generating energy and momentum in your life? What stories are dragging you down?
Join us for a day of stories, reflections, and delightful experiences as we honor those who serve, explore our own stories of everyday courage and embracing living and working from the heart of service.
For more information go to:
http://thunderbirdleadership.com/event/11th-annual-leadership-summit/

1 Content in italics from the invitation to Being of Service: Discovering Meaning, Courage and Mercy Through Personal Odyssey magnificently crafted by Dr. Carla Rotering for Thunderbird Leadership’s 11th Annual Summit

Unmet Expectations, Created in Isolation?

Carla J. Rotering, MD, M.A. on June 21, 2017

We sat in the driveway, my sister and I, each peering out our opposite windows, each wrapped in the disappointing sense that we had failed one another while the uncaring car simply idled in the background. “We agreed on this” my sister said, still without turning her face toward me. “No, you told me how we were going to do this, and I said nothing” was my response as I also turned toward my own window. Somehow, she thought my silence meant I agreed. Somehow I thought my silence would indicate I did not agree. Just as the view was different for each of us through our opposing windows, we had an entirely different and singular understanding of what we had agreed on. The spoken and unspoken expectations we had of one another had dragged us unwittingly toward this predictable moment of upset and disappointment.
We carry all kinds of expectations into our days – expectations about relationships, performance, quality standards, purchases – nearly anything we encounter in the details of our personal and professional lives. What makes expectations challenging is that they are unilateral, often unexplored, and are frequently made known in either vague or authoritative ways – or both. Most people resent expectations – especially authoritative and unreasonable expectations – although they may try in earnest to meet them. On the other hand, most people like to keep agreements that are co-authored – to have the chance to agree to what you can count on from them.
Take a seat in any break room, boardroom, meeting room, or bedroom and you are sure to hear complaints, the drone of disappointment, and the bitterness of having been let down. You can hear the utter disbelief that the world didn’t come through for you or me (or Bobby McGee) in the way that it was supposed to, the way that it should have – the way that it would have if anyone cared enough! We might hear something like “he really let me down” or “she should have known better” or “I can’t count on anyone but myself” or, perhaps the most poignant of all, “If he REALLY loved me, he’d know. I shouldn’t have to ask.” When that is the conversation, we are living in the realm of unmet spoken or unspoken expectations.
And when we operate in the realm of expectations – when we engage in our relationships expecting that people will behave the way we want them to, want exactly what we want, understand in tandem with how we see the world, we set the stage for one of two outcomes. We will either feel disappointed or we will feel nothing at all. If others fail to meet our expectations, we will feel upset and disappointed. If others actually meet our expectations, we may not feel anything at all, because that is simply, without celebration, what we expected. It is, after all, the very least they can do!
Disappointment can sink you like a stone and yet, with a simple rearrangement in our thinking, disappointment can be significantly minimized if not eliminated.
What if our complaints could be turned into requests? When we first notice we are disappointed and hosting a complaint we can choose to gain a little altitude and ask ourselves if we have a request of that person. Is there something inside the complaint itself that actually assists us in recognizing what it is that we want or need to bring about success and dissipate the potential for disappointment? What if we simply, then, made that request?
Of course, making a request does not assure an agreement will be established. It does, however, open the possibility of co-authoring a strong, solid agreement that reflects everyone’s voice. Making a request is bold, and courageous, and an act of integrity. It is the first step in negotiating an agreement that brings all the invisible barriers and potential to the table.
But what if a request is made, and the answer to the question “can you agree to this” is no? That’s when we can ask questions that can point us toward agreement:

  • What are you willing to do, if it isn’t this?
  • Here’s what you can count on from me. What can I count on from you?
  • What would you need from me (the organization) to support you in an agreement like this?
  • What do you think we would need to do to make this even better?
  • What might get in the way of us keeping this agreement with each other?
  • We can use our imagination and perception to create an authentic agreement that can be honored by everyone because it was formed by everyone.

Before closing the deal, check on the strength of the agreement. People may mumble that they agree when, in fact, there is still something standing in the way of their being “all in.” If the phrase “I’ll try” shows up anywhere in the conversation, there is no real agreement. Trying suggests that there is doubt, disagreement with the overall direction, and a remnant of unwillingness that puts the agreement at risk of being broken.
Of course, there are still times when even an agreement that seems strong is broken. This is the time to review the agreement in slow motion:

  • What was the actual response to the request?
  • What exactly did they say they were going to do? Was it the same thing you were asking for?
  • Was it a strong agreement with specifics?
  • Is there something that was left hanging? A little loose?

Expectations are hard on the human heart and mind and allow us to shift blame to anyone else but ourselves. Agreements offer us the opportunity to co-author the path by which we move life along in more effective and generous ways and enhance our self esteem by the simple act of taking personal responsibility for our yes’s and no’s. Agreements tap into the creative process, honor the relationships we have at work and at home, rescue us from the disappointment of failed expectations, and save the time often spent in places like an idling car on a gray winter day staring out the window wondering what went wrong.