The Butterfly Effect

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on July 16, 2018

I was a philosophy major as an undergraduate and for my senior thesis I found myself wrestling with determinism v. free will. Are we on a pre-planned course? Do we have the capacity to change the world? My answer at the time was that everything is in effect determined by all that has come before, that we are on a track rolling toward our destiny, but we still must choose our course based on what we know and feel at the time to be right, and that is, in effect, free will.
So, who would think some xx years later, I’d read a small statement that brought me back to those heady college days.

Butterfly Effect
The scientific theory that a single occurrence,
no matter how small,
can change the course of the universe
forever.

This concept emerges from chaos theory[i] and challenges my notion of determinism.  Chaos theory proposes that in complex systems, small changes can have unpredicted effects.  That is why weather prediction, while getting more accurate, still remains a matter of probabilities… or predicting the stock market, election results, etc. And interestingly, in research, we know that just having an observer can influence the outcome.
So, this got me to thinking about my coaching and organizational development work.  I thought about DiSC™ styles. DiSC™ identifies four different ways healthy people approach the world (in various combinations) as ways we can better understand ourselves and others. One of the key elements it explores is sense of control. Some of us tend to think we control our world (let me lead) and others that we must respond to our world (let me prepare).
Those that think we control our world tend to be action oriented, decisive and fast-paced.  I associated that with the concept of free-will, creating one’s destiny. Those that think we must respond to what the world hands us tend to be more analytical, deliberative and more moderate-paced. I associated that with the concept of determinism, having to accept what happens.
The Butterfly effect suggests that we all have impact whether we are aware of it or not – that how I act or even if I act is a choice that impacts my world. I sometimes feel very small, unimportant and of little value. I can convince myself that whether I take action, donate to a cause, speak up or stand up will make little difference. But the Butterfly Effect reminds me that I what I do or don’t do makes a difference.  We are all interconnected, and our actions matter even when we don’t know it.
Heraclitus stated, “The only constant is change.” This was true some 2500 years ago, and is even more so, now. Our world is complex, rapidly changing, and only somewhat predictable…so let me do as much as I can to prepare (responding to the world) and then step up (creating our destiny) as I need to.
How do I prepare? I keep current on what is happening in my world, in my sphere of influence.  I consider possibilities and probabilities and what resources and actions might be required. I also consider my values, my priorities and sense of purpose so that I base my course of action on what is important.
How do I step up and lead? I use all my preparation to allow thoughtful and meaningful decisions in the time frame that is required.  I avoid knee jerk reactions or being immobilized because I was not prepared.
And I whether I tend to be more action or preparation oriented, I find trusted people in my world who complement my strengths and skills and join me in actions and decisions…without always knowing the results of our actions and decisions. And I accept the fact that the end results may not be what I thought they would be.
In my first career, I was a youth and family counselor.  I provided prevention and early intervention work to middle school students. I met with a group of 7th grade girls to help them adjust to adolescence and middle school. One of the girls never spoke in the group and I wondered why she kept coming and doubted anything we did was making a difference.  Some four years later, I was walking down the halls of a high school when a young woman approached me and called me by name.  It was this same young woman, now a confident and successful junior in high school.  I told her that I was surprised she recognized me and she said something I will never forgot. “I remember everyone who tried to help me.”
So, consider the Butterfly Effect in human behavior as well as in the physical world. Every day we make choices about where we put our energy, how we behave, what we do…and what we think.  We make a difference in our world mindfully or heedlessly.
On November 9th, Thunderbird Leadership will be sponsoring our 12th Annual Leadership Summit, Being on Purpose: Small Enough to Manage, Big Enough to Matter. We’ll be exploring how we can intentionally impact our world from our own little spot on our own little planet.  For more information go to: http://thunderbirdleadership.com/event/12th-annual-leadership-summit-being-on-purpose
“Wherever you are, be there totally. If you find your here and now intolerable and it makes you unhappy, you have three options: remove yourself from the situation, change it, or accept it totally. If you want to take responsibility for your life, you must choose one of those three options, and you must choose now. Then accept the consequences.”  – Eckhart Tolle
[i] For a brief introduction to the Butterfly Effect and Chaos Theory check out: https://www.americanscientist.org/article/understanding-the-butterfly-effect
https://www.forbes.com/sites/startswithabang/2018/02/13/chaos-theory-the-butterfly-effect-and-the-computer-glitch-that-started-it-all/#58b6d90269f6
 
 

When the Going Gets Rough: Turn to Wonder

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on June 15, 2018

We have been conditioned to believe in a direct link between action and reaction, cause and effect.  Something happens (you do something) and I respond. This leads us to think we do not have control over our reactions to our environment…you made me mad! You hurt my feelings!
What we know however, is that context influences our reactions.  In psychology there is an entire therapeutic practice based on this – cognitive-behavioral therapy.  It is premised on the concept that between cause and effect is my interpretation of the situation…and this influences my response.
A dear friend of mine has often said, “When you love someone, you can tolerate just about anything…once you fall out of love, the way they brush their teeth can make you crazy.”
I used to carpool with a friend who had a baby daughter.  Towards the end of the work day, she got a call from the sitter that her little one started spiking a fever.  My friend called the doctor and was told the office would squeeze them in if they could get there by 5:30. We left the office immediately and hurried to the sitter. Of course, it was rush hour and there was road construction. A lane on the road was closed up ahead and everyone was merging. How would we make it on time? I am not sure of your attitude toward the people who whiz by you when the lane is ending, but I have always considered them selfish, arrogant, pushy… And yet, I opted to zip down that merge lane to the very end to save us precious time…and someone graciously let me back in!  We made it to the sitter and my friend and her sweet baby made it to the doctor’s office on time!
Why do I share this story?  It is about context.  Now when people are whizzing by me in the merge lane, I stop myself from getting upset and wonder where they might be hurrying to, what might be going on in their lives.
When things get rough, turn to wonder. The Center for Courage and Renewali developed touchstones for their Circles of Trust, one of which is the focus of this month’s blog entry.  “When the going gets rough, turn to wonder.” ii
Rather than create and act on my own understanding about what is happening, why people are doing what they are doing, what their motivations might be, I can step back and reflect. If I assume most people have good reasons for their behavior, what could they be?
Most people are able to defend their actions.  I don’t have to agree with their justification or decision, but how does it impact my reaction if I at least understand why they are doing what they are doing. Does it soften my response? Do I have a chance of building relationship rather than destroying it? Can my understanding bring us closer, rather than increase distance?
My challenge is to discipline myself to take that step back and consider alternative explanations. I aspire to be open minded and a life-long learner. The practice of turning to wonder seems an ideal technique to help me achieve those aspirations. Now if only I could help others do the same…
I have several colleagues, friends and even family members who are convinced that they know other people’s motives and intent, without ever checking to see if their assumptions are true. When I see things differently, I have a hard time even inviting them into my world.  I find myself shutting down instead and avoiding the conversation at all because I see them as unwilling to even consider another point of view.
What if I could invite them to turn to wonder…it doesn’t mean they have to change their conclusion, but to at least entertain the possibility that there is more than one way to see things.  We know that perspective taking increases innovation and creates a more inclusive and accepting environment.
I wonder:

  • If asking them to turn to wonder could be a more acceptable and approachable way for them to consider other options?
  • If I could connect with them instead of shutting down?
  • Why they think their way is the only right way?
  • Why it is so important for me to influence their way of thinking?

There are so many possibilities. What do you wonder about?
____________________________________________________
i The goal of the Center for Courage and Renewal is to strengthen relationships, build trust and empower people to create a better world. All of us have the capacity to lead from where we are to influence our environments for good. They do this through Circles of Trust. http://www.couragerenewal.org/
ii When the going gets rough, turn to wonder. Turn from reaction and judgment to wonder and compassionate inquiry. Ask yourself, “I wonder why they feel/think this way?” or “I wonder what my reaction teaches me about myself?” Set aside judgment to listen to others—and to yourself—more deeply.

Professional Beach Reads

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on May 16, 2018

I was watching the waves crashing on the beach this past Thanksgiving while talking to my son. We were talking about work and the challenges of management, decision-making and leadership.  He told me about a book he had just read called Decisive by Chip and Dan Heath.  With the incredible luxury of WIFI and Kindle, it was in my hands within minutes…and I had my perfect “professional beach read.”
While I was relaxing and recharging, Decisive became my companion. It was entertaining, thought provoking and inspiring.  It insinuated itself into my relaxation as a way to rethink challenges that would be waiting for me when I returned home.
As coaches, we encourage leaders to step back and reflect, but everyone has to find their own way to do it successfully. For me, a professional beach read is like floating aimlessly on a raft and seeing where I end up…without a specific end goal in mind, but open to possibilities and connections.
So, as we set out on another summer, hop on board and consider the possibilities of your own professional beach read and see where it takes you.  Hopefully, you too will return, recharged, inspired and with some new strategies in your tool box.
Beach Read I – recommended by Rory Gilbert
Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work (Heath, Chip; Heath, Dan), The Crown Publishing Group, Kindle Edition
In Decisive: How to Make Better Choices in Life and Work, Chip and Dan Heath provide some staggering statistics about how poor our decision-making is: everything from career choices (50% of teachers quit within 4 years, 40% of senior level hires are pushed out or quit within 18 months) to business decisions (83% of mergers and acquisitions fail to create value for stakeholders), to retirement saving, relationships, food choices…you name it. They then challenge us:
“When it comes to making decisions, it’s clear that our brains are flawed instruments. But less attention has been paid to another compelling question: Given that we’re wired to act foolishly sometimes, how can we do better?” (Heath, Kindle locations 80-83)
The Heath’s premise is that our decision-making processes are flawed and better processes such as exploring alternative points of view, recognizing uncertainty and searching for evidence that contradicts our beliefs can help us improve our outcomes.
They explore four “villains of decision making” and recommend strategies to overcome them.  The villains are: narrow framing – seeing limited options – this or that; confirmation bias – seeking out data that confirms our initial opinion or belief; short-term emotion – that limits our ability to have perspective; and over-confidence – trusting your own ability to predict the future.
And the rest of the book is about how to counter these villains. They provide a simple formula and then specific suggestions that are practical and immediately applicable.  Two of my favorites:

  • Watch out for limiting options – when we hear “do I want this or that…” start thinking about how to combine this and that and/or what else can you do. Don’t succumb to a forced choice – open up the possibilities!

How do I use this? I have a tendency to get really excited about new projects.  Usually, I am asked – do you want to take this on or not?  I always want to say yes…it sounds like fun, I am confident I/we can do it.  Over time, I have learned to find people to help me reality check my excitement.  All I can see is the possibilities glimmering in front of me.  I now have a kitchen cabinet who gets me out of “the spotlight effect” and answers my question, “what am I not thinking of?”
The Heath’s propose: “What if we started every decision by asking some simple questions: What are we giving up by making this choice? What else could we do with the same time and money?” (Heath, Kindle Locations 688-690)

  • Consider the opposite – try to gain perspective and overcome confirmation bias – they discuss the value of “the devil’s advocate,” and also talk about the challenge if people get too polarized. One of their suggestions to reduce polarization is to ask folks from different points of view, “What would have to be true for this option to be the right answer?” (Heath, Kindle Locations 1483-1484) Now, the exercise is about looking at variables and possibilities rather than just maintaining a position.  This strategy enhances cooperation, understanding and mutual commitment to the best outcome.

And there are more…I keep getting excited about another one and another one…so I think I just better suggest, read the book!  It is fun, enlightening and entertaining.
 
Beach Read II – recommended by Jill Bachman
Factfulness: Ten Reasons We’re Wrong about the World- and Why Things Are Better Than You Think (Rosling, Hans; Ronnlund, Anna Rosling; Rosling, Ola), 2018, Flatiron Books
While this title may not grab you as a “professional beach read”, it did turn into that for me. The book is intelligent, humorous, easy to read, and chock full of aha moments. Rosling, who collaborated with his adult daughter and son on the book, is Swedish, and dedicated much of his life to understanding the important trends in the world. Educated as a physician, he practiced in evolving third world countries. He was also a statistician, academic and public speaker. At a very early age he developed liver issues, coping with hepatitis C throughout his life. In 2017, he died from pancreatic cancer at the age of 68, one year after being diagnosed. He was driven to complete this book before his death.
Rosling starts your journey with an introduction about sword swallowing, a mini-discussion of chimpanzee logic (there is none, really, just randomness), and a series of questions (the Gapminder Test) about the state of current world conditions. I was woefully disappointed in my score, as I view myself as someone who “keeps up” with things like poverty, hunger, global warming and other “light” (ha!) beach read topics.
He then presents the reader with a series of “instincts” which he believes are the basis of our gross misunderstanding of the world. Taken together, these 10 instincts create a powerful set of approaches to help us behave more thoughtfully and effectively. The instincts are the Gap Instinct, the Negativity Instinct, the Straight Line Instinct, the Fear Instinct, the Size Instinct, the Generalization Instinct, the Destiny Instinct, the Single Perspective Instinct, the Blame Instinct, and the Urgency Instinct. Each of the instincts is developed with his real-life examples, some heartbreaking in their “missing the boat”. He concludes the book with chapters titled Factfulness in Practice, and Factfulness Rules of Thumb. I loved his quote near the end; “When we have a fact-based worldview, we can see that the world is not as bad as it seems- and we can see what we have to do to keep making it better.” (Rosling, Kindle location 3316.)
Two of the instincts that I find myself frequently “defaulting” to are the negativity instinct and the urgency instinct. The negativity instinct, he claims, is especially bad because “The loss of hope is probably the most devastating consequence,” (Rosling, Kindle location 876), keeping us from taking action on a situation. He suggests that we learn to keep two ideas in our head at the same time, something like, “This is a tragic situation AND here is something that can be done about it.” Another idea is to expect bad news, so that you don’t get caught off guard when bad things happen.
The urgency instinct is a problem, he claims, because “When we are under time pressures and thinking of worst case scenarios, we tend to make really stupid decisions.” (Rosling, Kindle location 2893.) To counteract an urgency impulse, stop and name it as a call/demand/expectation to take immediate action. Question just how urgent the situation really is. The truth is, those situations are rare today. Be wary of drastic action. How many times have you responded urgently to something, only to create a worse outcome for yourself? If someone is trying to convince you that you need to act now, insist on more information. What will happen if you decide not to act NOW. Will the sale come again? Can the issue really be solved in a heartbeat anyway? Recognize that the manipulative use of fear is often behind the call to urgency in order to get us to respond.
 In today’s dramatic and media-driven climate, a book that suggests that many things we thought were awful are actually improving has naturally generated critical responses, challenging that Rosling was a Pollyanna, and a confused statistician. IMHO, whether or not you agree with those criticisms, Rosling performed a valuable service with this book, giving us tools to think and respond much more deeply about the state of the world and our own lives.
We’d love to hear from you and learn more about your favorite beach reads as we all head into the summer ready to be re-energized.

Going it Alone?

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on April 15, 2018

In the world of work, it is important to appear capable and strong. As a leader, I have to make the tough calls. While I value collaboration, the truth is that in the end it is about what I accomplish, how I am seen.  That is how I succeed, how I earn my paycheck, how I advance.
If we reflect honestly, aren’t these messages lingering in the back of our minds and influencing how we connect with our work world?  Do these messages really help us be and do our best?
Let’s take a look at the outcomes of these messages:

  • We become cautious about what we share.
  • We become anxious about making mistakes.
  • We don’t ask for help when we need it.
  • We become defensive when people make suggestions or question us.
  • We feel disconnected from our colleagues.

And the outcomes for our company or organization?

  • Missed opportunities
  • Missed innovations
  • Increased risk
  • Decreased productivity

The notion that we need to “go it alone” is hard to shake.  And yet, research indicates that creating inclusive, trusting work environments increases profits, productivity, innovation and results.  But how do you change your thinking and change your culture?
One proven strategy is coaching for both individuals and teams. “According to the 2009 Global Coaching Client Study, 96 percent of clients said they would repeat the coaching experience. That kind of validation underscores why many organizations are calling in the coaches as a way to achieve success.” (https://www.shrm.org/hr-today/news/hr-magazine/pages/0914-executive-coaching.aspx)
A coach is a thinking partner who provides support, perspective, insights and an accountability structure for change in a safe and confidential environment.  Coaches have skills in the processes that allow for change: listening, observing, asking probing questions, identifying conflicting thoughts and feelings, developing plans, timelines, milestones, assessing obstacles and ensuring strategies for commitment and accountability.

“Thank you so much! We couldn’t have done it without you; your energy, focus and expertise in guiding us was exceptional!”

Coaches adapt their style based on your preferred way of communicating, learning and handling confrontation and decision making.

“I’ve used (coach)’s services …with my leadership team. Her expert facilitation of our leadership retreats, along with her engaging presence, helped to motivate even skeptical team members to learn more about themselves and each other. Not only does she listen, but she follows through to make sure she meets everyone’s expectations.” 

Some coaches are experts in your field and may change hats to a consulting and information imparting role, but others are experts in coaching and count on you to be the expert in your field. 

“I enjoy talking with you because I always walk away having learned something about myself and my organization.”

One thing coaches don’t ever do is tell you what to do.  They are on the sidelines – you are in the game and you are the decision-maker.
As certified coach Michael Esposito, SPHR, puts it, “A great coach raises probing questions, and the client comes to the answer himself. A great consultant tells you what you need to do.” (https://www.shrm.org/hr-today/news/hr-magazine/pages/0914-executive-coaching.aspx)
Why have a coach? To explore issues and decisions in a safe, non-judgmental environment – risk free!  Because the coach is not in your reporting line or part of your team, you have the opportunity to be more open, take risks in thinking and exploring. You can even be grouchy, irritated, frustrated, scared or downright despairing without ruining your public image or affecting a performance appraisal.
Coaching will also look different depending on where you are in your professional development. Coaching can be used at the start of one’s career to identify strengths, address challenges and identify goals.

“I wanted to give you some very exciting and life changing news. I mentioned in my last email to you, I applied for x position.  I got the call today and I accepted. After the call, I wanted to dance on the top of my desk, however OSHA standards, LOL 
 I am full of emotions with the news. I can’t put into words how much you helped me grow personally and professionally. Thank you for all the support, and guidance and not letting me off the hook …  I am lucky to have you … you helped me find the confidence to apply. You helped me re-gain my focus on my career path. I will carry the tools you gave me in my bag for the rest of my career.”

For some individuals, it is about transitioning to a new or higher position…and identifying behaviors that need to be strengthened or changed.

“My coach reflects back what I have said and suddenly I am faced with perspectives I had not even considered!”  

For some, it is about being lonely at the top…having someone with whom you can be fully vulnerable – where you don’t have to be “on.”

“It is with sincere gratitude that I express my experience of personal growth during my coaching sessions over the past few months. Not only does my coach actively listen, she hears what the underlying conversation is that remains unsaid. Her insights and ideas have fostered contemplation and new actions to take to meet my desires and goals. Thank you for supporting me in achieving balance to what can be an otherwise hectic pace….”

And as for team coaching, the entire team is invited to grow with a shared vision and shared agreements on how to work together…building trust, increasing skills and capacities to keep on top of today’s rapidly changing environment.

“Thank you! The team is soaring. You have been a great help to us and we are finally getting back to feeling as though we each have value and add value to the team, campus and organization.” 

At Thunderbird, we consider coaching leaders and leadership teams our “sweet spot.”  All our coaches have been in leadership positions and know what it is like to be out there alone.  We truly appreciate our ability to partner with people and watch them identify and achieve their goals.  It is great to be on the sidelines of your success!!!
At Thunderbird, the core of our work… is based on trust, community and integrity. We live in a turbulent world. There is so much fear. We foster safe spaces for people to have hard conversations, to be vulnerable with each other, to discover and learn to create better futures for themselves and their organizations. We believe people are well-intentioned but they don’t always have the skills they need.
Our sweet spot is leaders at all levels! People are generally interested in improving themselves and their companies. We provide a forum for them to be their best!
 Find out more at: http://thunderbirdleadership.com/how-we-help/

Why is Accountability So Hard?

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on March 15, 2018

What is the number one frustration for people managers?  In my coaching work, I hear repeatedly that it is getting people to do what we expect them to do.  Whether it is how they prioritize, the process they use to get results or the actual tasks they do, I repeatedly hear folks sigh, “If I want it done right, I have to do it myself!”
So why can’t we get people to do what we want, when we want it, how we want it?  Here are a few observations:
1) The most important thing we can do is be clear about our expectations. Whether we are working with a brand-new employee or a long term established employee, we need to take time to be sure we are clear on priorities, goals and processes and how the employee’s work links to the organizational mission.
I remember speaking with an executive who prided himself on never providing feedback or assessments to his “good” employees. “I only do evaluations when people are not performing well,” he said.  He went on to explain that they received their job description when they came in and they should know what to do.
Can we really expect a job description to cover all our expectations?  Don’t things change over time?  Even with high level employees, is it possible that what they think is important is not what we think is important?
While there is a lot of discussion about the pros and cons of annual reviews, there is no doubt that setting expectations, updating them and providing feedback regularly is critical to performance success.
2) And then, whether we set expectations or not, our next challenge is how we communicate what we want. We are totally clear in our own heads – I know I make sense to myself. However, I have discovered that what I think I thought I said is not what other people hear.  If you want to be sure you are on the same page, you need to summarize what you’ve discussed and agreed to…preferably in writing.  How does this play out?

  • On the fly comments are not captured.
    For example, I am walking with someone to a meeting and say something like, “and I’d like it if you did x, y or z…”  I remember I said it. I see it as a directive.  Did the person I related it to write it down? Did we discuss a due date? Did we prioritize? What are the chances this will be retained after the meeting?  Would I remember it if the tables were turned? Be careful that we don’t think we are so important that our “in passing thought” will be retained.
  • Weekly meetings end in confusion.
    You have a typical one-hour meeting with your direct report or your team and discuss a dozen different items. Time is up and off you go, each of you totally clear in your own minds about what was important, the priorities, strategies and time lines.

Stop the meeting with ten minutes to go and review what you have discussed. Ask your direct report(s) to summarize…that way you will know what they heard and plan to do.  This is a great way to identify misunderstandings, ideas that were dropped and disagreements with the plan of action. You may discover that you need more than ten minutes for the summary.
Often, it is not until the review that you discover that someone is not buying in to an action item.  They were silent during the meeting because they were still thinking about it and/or disagreed but didn’t want to bring it up, but now that you mention it again and are defining it as a priority…well it is time to speak up because it isn’t going to disappear.
How often have you raised an item at a meeting and there is no response? We usually assume that everyone is on board, but the truth is, silence is sometimes cloaking discomfort, dissatisfaction or confusion. One of my favorite concepts from Patrick Lencioni is to assume silence is disagreement. Invite affirmative commitment to a plan before you think you are ready to go forward.
Ultimately, summary reviews should include priorities, responsibilities, timelines and check-in dates.  And, how will you document these? Format can range from a white board, easel page, spreadsheet or project management program depending on your team, the complexity of the projects and preferred workstyles.  If it is not documented, it isn’t going to happen!

  • Direct requests are not followed up on.
    This is an interesting item.  I am amazed at how clearly we think we are saying things (remember how clear we are in our own heads?) and yet we are often vague, noncommittal and ultimately unclear in what we want.  I’ve invited myself into meetings with directors and managers who are beside themselves with frustration because they do not get the results they want from their direct requests.  I’ve heard some of the following:
  1. Would you be willing to do x? (and then they are surprised when the employee declines to do x.)
  2. It would be helpful if you could do x. (Employee hears, a “nice to do” not a “have to do.”)
  3. I’d like you do x when you have the time. (no time line, no importance, no priority…are you surprised it isn’t done?)
  4. What do you think about doing x? (interesting idea…oh, do you mean me?)

And in all of these cases, the leader/manager/supervisor thinks they have made a direct request. I’ve come up with two possible reasons why requests are framed this way…and would like to hear your thoughts.

  • The leader/manager/supervisor does not want to come across as too bossy or demanding. This can often be the case when someone was promoted from within the ranks.  It is also possible when there are differences in social identity where there is a hierarchical imbalance.  (E.g. age – younger boss to older employee; gender – female boss to male employee.)  A lot of times these changes in how requests are made are not even conscious.
  • The leader/manager/supervisor thinks they are so important that they expect their employees to jump at their every wish. We shouldn’t have to write it down or review it, they should just do it.  I am too busy to take the time.
  • Why else? Cultural differences? Personality differences?

3) And finally, the biggest challenge of all is follow-up. I’ve heard over and over again, “who is going to hold people accountable?” The answer is…you…by setting deadlines, requiring updates, expecting people to inform you ahead of time if they are facing a problem and/or are not going to be able to deliver on-time.
I spoke to an employee recently who was given an assignment a year ago. He’s been asked several times how he’s doing on completing it.  He says, he’s working on it.  His manager knows he should have it done by now but hasn’t said much more about it. The truth is, the employee has been overwhelmed by the task and has avoided it by keeping busy with other projects. How important is the project if it has been drifting along for a year?
We don’t have to be mean and nasty to get results. In a nutshell, we need to:

  • Set clear expectations that include priorities and expected outcomes.
  • Be mindful of when and how we frame requests.
    • “On the fly” requests get lost.
    • Casual requests may sound like suggestions or low priority.
  • Summarize action items from meetings to ensure timelines, responsibilities and priorities.
  • Link requests to the goals and purpose of the organization. We know that people are able to embrace their work more effective when they can connect the dots to purpose and meaning.
  • Follow-up in a timely manner. If it isn’t important to you, why will it be important to anyone else?

Power Tools at Work

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on February 16, 2018

I am passionate about creating fabulous work environments; ones that are highly productive, mission-focused, energizing, inclusive and innovative. What words would you add to that list?
We spend so much of our waking hours at work, shouldn’t it be a place that energizes us instead of drains us? I don’t mind going home from work fatigued from the mental and physical work, but I do question the value of going home drained from frustrating, demoralizing and discounting experiences.
As I was driving to a session on DiSC™ this morning, I thought about how DiSC™ can help to create that environment. (The DiSC profile, published by Wiley, is a non-judgmental tool used for discussion of people’s behavioral differences.) We usually think about DiSC™ or personality-type assessments as tools to help us get along better with our colleagues, but this morning I started thinking about how they can be so much more. . . about how they can actually become POWER TOOLS.
When we use DiSC™ or other assessments in a deeper way, we have the ability to influence the organizational culture to one that truly values diversity, and honors and celebrates differences as essential to an effective workplace that promotes quality work, engagement, high productivity and innovation.
From my work on creating inclusive cultures, I have focused on the following key elements; empathy, perspective taking, communication and conflict management across differences. People who are culturally competent seek to understand another’s world view and recognize that the way they see the world is not the only way to see the world. (Perspective Taking) They care about another’s experience of the world. (Empathy) They recognize that communication is not just about what is sent, but what is received and strive to find practices that ensure effective outcomes. (Communication) And they recognize that tensions are produced through misunderstood communication, differences in values, differences in perspectives, priorities, etc. The ability to work together to understand and resolve these differences provides opportunities for growth, innovation and connection. (Conflict Management)
When we dig deeper into DiSC™ or other assessments, we can see that they provide a training platform for important organizational growth. As people learn about the different styles or types, they recognize that other people do not see the world the way they do. As they listen to other people explaining their perspectives, they begin to develop empathy for the other. As they discuss strategies to work with people from different styles or types, they begin to strengthen their communication skills, and finally, when they see differences as potential for growth, innovation and connection, they reframe their view of conflict.
This requires using DiSC™ or your preferred assessment as an ongoing part of your culture rather than the once- a-year-ain’t-it-interesting-team-building activity at the annual retreat. It means:

  • Orienting all new employees to your assessment, how and why it is used
  • Posting the assessment results permanently to remind people of the assessment and the diversity of results
  • Recognizing the dominant style/type culture of the organization and what that means for employees, customers and the business itself
  • Providing strategies for ensuring non-dominant styles/types are needed, valued and included. This can include:
  1. Identifying styles of all participants in work groups and discussing how this will impact the way you work
  2. Delegating roles to capitalize on strengths and/or to strengthen areas of challenge (intentionally and mindfully)
  3. Leaders running meetings to ensure all voices are heard – not just the loudest
  4. Noticing gaps in your organization – and recognizing if that might be a problem – and if so, how do you fix it.

What happens when people’s styles and strengths are recognized and accommodated? People feel valued and engaged. They contribute more, they stretch more, resulting in higher productivity and performance.
When people feel valued and contribute, the organization benefits from new ideas as well as identifying problems and risks earlier. These behaviors help create high performing, innovative organizations, and interestingly, these cultural behaviors are also noted in the most inclusive organizations.
These same strategies that honor the information revealed from DiSC™ or other assessment styles, can be used to honor the many differences across our teams. We can broaden our skills to value what people bring to the table rather than their job title, role or social identity.
If I can learn to appreciate your different way of thinking based on your assessment style, it might just be possible for me to appreciate your way of seeing the world through your other lenses. I might take time and ask more questions to understand your point of view. I might adapt my style to better communicate with you. And then, I can use those same skills to address some of those harder identities where the “baggage” of history has made those connections harder to resolve. I might react less quickly, reach out more for understanding, take time to explain my perspective and understand yours, and discover new possibilities.
And yes, my session went really well this morning. The management team explored how they can use DiSC™ more dynamically to improve performance and morale. They considered their own style strengths and some of the areas they could address to be more effective with their teams, and with each other. It was a wonderful morning. . . and I came home energized and excited about their future together.

Contact info@thunderbirdleadership.com if you want more information about DiSC™ or other facilitation work we can provide.
Resources for more information
Only Skin Deep – Reassessing the Case for Diversity, 2011
https://www.ced.org/pdf/Deloitte_-_Only_Skin_Deep.pdf
Forbringer, Louis R. (2002) Overview of the Gallup Organization’s Q-12 Survey, O.E. Solutions.
Wiseman, Liz and McKeown, Greg. (2010) Multipliers: How the Best Leaders Make Everyone Smarter. New York: Harper Collins.

Is it me, or is it them? Choosing the right intervention

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on January 15, 2018

The request comes in, “We are having a team retreat next month and I’d like you to come and provide some team building. It would be great if you could focus on how we can work together better.”  It sounds easy enough. . . some fun activities to understand different work or communication styles.  Piece of cake. . . or is it?  Almost every time this request comes in, there is an underlying, unexpressed and unaddressed concern on the team.
I have learned over the years to ask lots of questions to uncover the real need.  More often than not, there is an individual, maybe more, who creates problems for the manager and/or the rest of the team.  The manager has been uncomfortable addressing it directly and hopes that the individual(s) will “get the message” through the exercises we do.
I am a really good trainer, but I cannot deliver this result for the manager.  The individual does not “get the message,” everyone else on the team wonders why they are going through this, they may guess what the underlying goal is. . . Ultimately, time and money wasted, and the manager and team are still stuck where they were.
So, is training or team building ever worthwhile? Sure, but be clear on what you want to accomplish, make sure the team knows the purpose, and be sure you are choosing the right strategy.
What to do when?  Is it me (the manager) or is it them (the team)?

  1. If you have an employee who is having performance problems, you need to tell them. If you are struggling with how to frame the issue and or how to correct/improve it, invite a performance consultant or coach to assist.  They can help you be clear on what is needed, identify strategies, timelines, and even practice how to say it.  But you as the manager have to have the conversation. It is your job.
  2. If you have employees who are in conflict, you need to let them know that the conflict cannot continue (oh darn, you have to have that conversation again.)  Based on the level of the conflict, you may need to bring in someone to mediate. . . with the understanding that the behaviors cannot continue.  If the behaviors continue after intervention, it becomes a performance issue. (Back to item one!)
  3. If you are concerned about morale, performance, communication of the whole team, you may want to bring in a consultant or coach for yourself first and figure out how you can influence the culture of your team.  What is going on? How long has this been going on?  Is it a structural issue or a training issue? Do the employees have the skills and resources they need? Do they know what is expected of them?
  4. Then, decide if training or team building of some kind can really make a difference. And explain to the team what you hope will be different after the training and how you will assess and support the change.

So how does this work?
Situation 1
You have an employee who is not pulling their share of the load.  Everyone else knows it but no one says anything.  She has been there a long time so how can you bring it up now?  You are frustrated. The team is demoralized.  What is the point of going the extra mile?
Whose problem is it? Yours. Solution: you have to speak up even after all this time.
How do you do it?

  • Ask yourself – does my team know what I expect from them re: performance?  If the answer is not clear, start there.  You might try having the team help set group expectations – buy-in for everyone.  Then, everyone is clear about the level of accountability – it is day one of new expectations.
  • When everyone knows the expectations for performance, have conversations with each employee about how they see their performance.
    • Be prepared to give honest feedback and develop strategies for improvement as needed.
    • Identify timelines for accountability and follow them.
    • Ask your employees what they might need from you to help them succeed?
  • And now, for the really, really hard part . . . have follow-up conversations where you hold people accountable. Be sure to let people know when they are succeeding, and when they are not.  Discuss what will happen if they do not improve.

Who can help? A performance coach or consultant; someone from your HR department. A facilitator.
Situation 2
You have two employees who do not get along. They have different work styles and over time they have gotten more and more irritated with each other. They don’t talk to each other. They gossip with others and try to recruit them to their side. It is interfering with workflow as people have to do workarounds to get information through this nasty bottle-neck.  It is impacting the whole team. Production and morale are dropping.
Whose problem is it?  Yours and theirs – yours because it is impacting the team and the quality of work; theirs because they are the ones who need to solve it.
Solution: You have to speak up and let them know their behavior is not acceptable and needs to change.  You can invite them to find a way to manage – but in all likelihood, you will need to bring in a mediator or facilitator.  (This is not the time to have a team building activity about getting along!)
How do you do it:

  • Decide if you want to start the conversation individually or with them both together – it may depend on how bad it is and how comfortable you are with conflict.
    • Let them know the impact they are having on the team.
    • Ask them if they have suggestions for solving the problem.
    • Offer to bring in a mediator or facilitator to resolve it with them.
    • Be clear that the behavior cannot continue.
  • Bring in a facilitator or mediator (either internal or external to your organization) and be at the first meeting – making clear that you share in this problem because of the impact on the team.  You need it resolved and will attend meetings as needed to help implement a solution.
  • Hold everyone accountable for their behavior.  You might need to be very specific about the behaviors.

Who can help? A coach, mediator or facilitator – check with your HR department to see what they have to offer.
Situation 3:
You are aware that your team is not happy.  Performance is down, absenteeism is up.  You are not sure what is going on and you’d really like things to be better.
Solution: Start with a coach or consultant who can help you get a better handle on where the problem is.
How do you do it?

  • Be honest with your coach about your strengths and your weaknesses.  If you are not sure, the coach may provide some assessments for you and/or for the team.  Be prepared to learn more about yourself.  Are you open to change?
  • Once you are clearer about the areas that need to be addressed, you and your coach can consider the best intervention strategies.
    • What do you need to do?
    • What do you need from your team?
    • How do you present the information?
    • How do you monitor and hold everyone accountable?

Who can help? A coach – internal or external to your organization – but someone with whom you can be honest and vulnerable.  (It should not be someone in your immediate supervisory chain.)
And finally, we get to Situation 4:  Team building, training and facilitation!!!
You recognize that your team has areas that can be strengthened.  You’ve addressed individual concerns and you’ve made some commitments to your own growth as a leader.  You know the direction you want to take and you are prepared to hold yourself and others accountable. You want to see your team collaborate and support each other more. You know this will require a change in culture where they understand they are all responsible for results. This could include: helping a team member who is overworked, catching an error – fixing it and sharing the info with the team member, coming up with ideas to make things work better, hearing team members thank each other, compliment each other and celebrate each other.
How do you do it?

  • Let your team know your plan – why you are asking them to participate, what you want to see and how you will hold each other accountable.
  • Participate with your team – make it clear it is about “all of us,” not about “them.”
  • Know that to make a lasting change, there will need to be more than a single one-hour magic bullet. Let the team know how you see this unfolding.
  • Have a plan for accountability – and/or invite the team to develop a plan.
  • Follow your plan.

Who can help: Coach, trainer, facilitator, you and your team!
When I get to work with a team that is really ready for change, it is amazing and fun for everyone.
So use your time and money wisely to get the very best results possible. And remember, your role as a leader makes all the difference.  When you’ve set the stage, great things can happen.
For more information, check out these sources. 
https://www.huffingtonpost.com/rita-balian-allen/the-value-of-coaching-a-b_b_12750080.html
Lencioni, P. The Advantage. 2012. Jossey-Bass.
Patterson, K. et al. 2011. Crucial conversations. McGraw-Hill.

Lessons Learned

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on December 15, 2017

As we approach the end of the year, it is a wonderful time to reflect and take stock on what we’ve learned. Some learnings are easy, many come through unexpected challenges.  We’ve asked our consultant team to share some of the lessons that have emerged for them this year, and hope they provide you with insights that you will find helpful.
Experience Fun!
What I’ve settled on is as much something I aspire to, as something I’ve learned. Here it is. Life may turn out to be shorter than we had imagined, but one thing is for sure – Life is definitely better than we could have ever imagined. We have all been richly blessed. There’s so much joy and beauty available to us every day, and so much fun to be had in almost every moment. I’ve learned that I want to be more lighthearted and playful, and really experience all the fun that’s available to us. This is a bit of a reach for a serious, hard-working German girl like me, so if you see me off track, please remind me to lighten up.
Clean House
One of my lessons focuses on my 2017 year of “cleaning house” – both literally and figuratively.  Sold my condo, said goodbye to being Condo Board president for 15 plus years, now sharing a tiny little house with my sweetie, gave away more than half of my furniture…. and simplified.  The smallness is comforting, the shedding of “stuff” allowing me to breathe more freely.  Marie Kondo’s book, “The life-changing magic of tidying up” was inspiring.   Admittedly, progress on eliminating “keepsakes” and books/documents (some of which are still sitting in the basement…old family photographs (half of the faces not identifiable!), the syllabus for a class I “might” teach, past work creations) are slower-going, as Kondo suggests they can be – but my progress is real, shedding a light on how “tidying up” has freed (and continues to free) my mind and my soul.
Be Present!
I have come to carry 3 words with me this year that have meant A LOT! Be. Here. Now. They point me to the understanding that the present is all I have, and I dare not waste this precious resource by micro-planning every little step of an anticipated experience, nor replaying (and often affirming my own righteousness in) an unpleasant past experience. “Be here now”, has helped me stop to breathe, to stop the flow of words in my head, and to listen to the sound of my heart, my breath, or the silence inside me. Quieting my mind has become a practice I look forward to every morning. . . I am an early riser and I love to watch dawn color the sky. Being here now, in the present, is also directly linked to presence, which is the very best part of myself that I can give to another. Or to the sunrise.
Manage Anger and Frustration
I have been working hard to control my anger and frustration when situations arise. Since I am the only person that knows when anger is building, I have learned to recognize the danger signs when they begin. I can choose how to react in a situation and just because my first instinct is to become angry doesn’t mean it is the correct response.  I realize that when I start to get angry I need to stop what I am doing and breathe deeply. This interrupts my angry thoughts and helps put me back on a more positive path. Also, if I imagine how I look and behave when I am angry I probably would not want to be around someone like that.  A great person once shared that if I “Pause, find Peace and Pray, I can’t but help create an Attitude of Gratitude.”
Redefine Time  – this came up twice! As consultants, we are not bound by the typical 9 – 5 clock of an employee. Does this impact how we see time?
I have been challenging my misconception about time. . . the clock is useful for some things, but not as a way to experience and evaluate my life. Have I done everything I wanted to do before I turned a certain age? Did I get everything finished that I wanted to do on Friday? What crazy pressures! Because my life is no longer constrained by the clock, I am experimenting with the natural rhythms and ebb and flow of things . . .like my energy, the need to balance work, play and rest, the times for eating.
One lesson for me this year is to be mindful of how I spend my time. I am aware that time is a finite commodity. Am I doing what I want to be doing? What I need to be doing? Or am I just doing?  I am working at being more aware of the choices I make in how I spend my time both at work, in volunteer capacities and at leisure. Even when all I am doing is playing spider solitaire on my cell phone, I can give myself permission to be in a restful state — almost meditative — accepting that down time is a reasonable choice sometimes rather than berating myself about “wasting time.”  And I can make intentional decisions about the work I choose to do — having fun, finding meaning and earning money!  Rather than feeling obligated or compelled to work at things that are stressful and demotivating.  (Yes, I am fortunate to be able to choose this.) And I am finding that being is a valuable way to spend my time — being with family and friends, being outdoors, and being with my colleagues – with you all … who provide me with energy, perspective and support.
See Beyond our Thoughts
I’d say the most important lesson I’ve learned this year is to realize that I don’t need to believe everything I think or anything that anyone else thinks. I grew up in a household that was incredibly loving, full of extended family members who created a safe space for me and my cousins to play and laugh. It was also a household where “father knows Best” and everyone else’s thoughts came in second or third or nowhere at all.
So, in college, I was suddenly in a place where everyone wanted to know what I thought. Thinking was encouraged. And I got to voraciously read and discover other thinkers thorough-out history. I got to organize my thoughts around theories that inspired me and writers who were so articulate in discussing and defending their thoughts. I had many many journals which I used to express my thoughts about everything. You could say I became enamored by my own thoughts. And eventually gained expertise in helping myself and others explore their thought patterns, understand their origins, determine whether they were limiting beliefs and learn to shift or change them to create better results.
So, you can imagine my surprise, during my final year of my doctoral program, as I’m finishing up a 400+ page dissertation, to realize that I don’t need to believe what I think and that I don’t need to even heal my thoughts or shift my thoughts or have anything to do with my thoughts.  And that there’s a space beyond thought, a place of Presence and stillness and nothingness that holds more beauty, more potential, more joy than any of my thoughts or other people’s thoughts could ever imagine or express.
This experience is allowing me to relax into being “ordinary” and free to be with other people’s thoughts without the need to be on the defense or offense of anything. It’s bringing into my life a sense of groundedness and compassion and curiosity and insights the likes of which I have never experienced before.
Accept Ourselves as We Are
This year has been a year of unfolding awareness around the passage of time – of shifts in the way I hold myself in relationship to the world, an enlarging awareness that my presence – our presence – on the earth is but temporary, and the startling reality that things I never expected have planted themselves firmly in the landscape of my life.
I have been toying with existential questions – why are we here, what purpose does any one individual have, what is the meaning of this thing we call life?  I invited myself to lift and lift and lift above the details of the daily human experience and really try to SEE what made sense about life and living.  What a surprise when I realized that my presence on this earth – from a larger perspective – is absolutely and utterly insignificant!  Creation will not care if I eat kale or write bad music or am good at cleaning the kitchen.  I will not invent the light bulb or paint the Sistine Chapel or have my name attached to some doctrine.  The details of my daily life are inconsequential, and I am not required to place any kind of signature whatsoever on human history.
Paradoxically, the moment I had that realization was the same moment in which I understood fully that it is my own unique way of being, instead of my way of doing, that contributes to all of creation in a way that is meaningful and sustains the goodness that surrounds us always, whether we know it or not.  It was the moment in which I knew, without doubt, that expanding in love and kindness, compassion and generosity, caring and integrity, honesty and grace and offering THAT to the world (and to myself) is truly the only job I have as a human being.  Less doing, more Being!
So, let time fly or drag or whatever it does today or tomorrow.  My intention is to love every moment of this glorious, mysterious, messy, confusing gift called life – and to graciously forgive myself if I slip now and then!  To paraphrase one of my favorite sayings – when the tide rises ALL boats rise!!
And we invite you to share your lessons learned or your aspirations for next year with us as well in the spirit of giving that frames this time of year. Here’s a start on 2018. . . 
Study Sound
Next year I want to study sound, and the effect it has on our lives. . . the good, the bad, and the ugly. When friends from a big city come to visit me in rural Arizona, they consistently say, in a reverent way, “It is so quiet here!” The effect of abusive noise, including those noises in our heads, and the benefit of beautiful sounds (like Joyce’s harp at the Summit) are topics I want to explore.
Thank you to all our contributors: Julie Wechsler, Jill Bachman, Michael Cavanaugh, Mary Lockhart, Rory Gilbert, Noushin Bayat, Carla Rotering

Compassionate People Have the Best Boundaries

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on May 2, 2017

In her book, Rising Strong, Brené Brown shares a profound insight.  She states, “very early on in my work I had discovered that the most compassionate people I interviewed also have the most well-defined and well-respected boundaries. It surprised me at the time, but now I get it. They assume that other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need and they don’t put up with a lot of crap. Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
In my work as a coach, I have frequently heard people describe their frustrations with doing things they didn’t want to do, shouldn’t have to do and downright resented.  And most of the time, they did not share their feelings or experience with the person who they saw as the source of that frustration.
Situations included having to pick up other people’s shifts, finish their unfinished work, do assignments, meetings and trips that others did not want to do. And my coachees gritted their teeth, smiled on the surface, and did it.  When they shared their stories with me they were angry, hurt, resentful, enraged…and as Brené Brown describes, self-righteous. And it was eating at them. They were indignant.
So how do people get into these binds?  Brown talks about mindset differences.  She discusses the difference in belief that “people are doing the best they can,” versus “people aren’t doing their best.” She claims that it is not the situation, but our beliefs and thoughts about what is happening that drives our response.
I have a colleague who frequently cancels meetings, postponing our ability to get work done. She always has great reasons for the cancellations and I do believe they are true.  However, I am unbelievably frustrated because I am gridlocked on a project without her. Have I told her?  How could I? Her explanations each time are real, meaningful and serious…but, our relationship is crumbling right along with the project.  I am starting to see her as flaky, not-to-be-trusted.  I am looking for work-arounds to remove her from the project to get it done.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? But what is the point of confronting her when her reasons are so justified?
The most critical part of a relationship, whether work or personal, is trust.  I can self-righteously proclaim that she is violating my trust by not following through with her commitments.  But on the other side, I am violating her trust by not telling her what I need.
My self-righteousness suggests that “she should know, shouldn’t she? She just doesn’t care, so why bother?”  What is really happening here?  I am assuming she is not doing the best she can. I have lowered my opinion of her.
I am an equal co-partner in destroying the relationship and not getting the best for our project. What would happen if I assume good intent? What would happen if I share how I am feeling about the project and her involvement? What would happen if I tell her what I need? Perhaps a beginning could sound something like this. . .
“I know you have had a lot of things come up that have interfered with getting this work done. I respect that you have had different priorities. However, I am really frustrated because I cannot continue my work without your input.  I need to know if you are in or if I should develop a different plan to get this done. If you are in, I need to have a meeting with you this week. I will work with your schedule, but if you cancel again, I am going to have to work on it independently.”
Is the language too harsh? Will I lose our relationship? Well, I ask, do we have one now?  What might she say? How might this impact my sense of self if I regain a way forward?
Generally, we avoid conversations like the one above because we are uncomfortable with being so direct.  We hint, make side comments, vent with other people and luxuriate in our own self-righteous indignation…or we wait until they really cross the line and blow up!  All to avoid having an honest, uncomfortable conversation.
Patrick Lencioni believes that trust is fundamental to high functioning teams. He talks about trust as being deeper than just doing what we say we will do, he talks about vulnerability (and so does Brown, a lot!) – a willingness to be open, honest and mistaken.  Owning how I am impacted by other people is a very vulnerable place to be…owning resentment, frustration, discomfort.  But it is the way forward to being more effective as an individual and as a leader.
We have to take the risk.  So how do we do it? It takes courage and SCILLSS. When we are trying something new or different, having a structure can help us succeed.  Here is a quick summary of some steps that can guide us until these conversations become second nature.
1.  S: Self-assessment
How am I feeling? Can you identify what you are feeling…can you get past mad – mad is often a default that covers more uncomfortable feelings like hurt, disrespected, left out.
What am I telling myself? Remember mindset differences? This is the most critical part of the process because our feelings are generated from our thoughts. If I think they should know better, I react one way. If I think they are doing the best they can, I open up possibilities to different reactions.
What else could be going on? Explore other possibilities – why else might they be acting/doing what they are doing?
2. C: Cue to invite conversation
If we are taking the risk of having an uncomfortable conversation, let the other person know what is going on.  “I’d like to discuss something with you if you have a minute… Is this a good time?”Is this a good place?
3. I: Use I-messages
How we describe our concern will impact their response.  Be careful of judgmental or accusatory words that come out of what we are telling ourselves. As much as possible be objective and descriptive.  You might want to write down a few notes for this step.
When you … (objective, behavioral – watch for judgments)
I feel… (use a feeling word – avoid saying “that you…” after “feel”) This is where you get really vulnerable – how are you experiencing what is happening…
Because… (how does this impact me, the work environment or product, our customers/clients?)
4. L: Listen to response and paraphrase what you have heard
Remember, this is about relationship and building trust. Take time for the other person to respond and share how they see the situation. Then explain more of your point of view if needed.
5. L: Listen some more to response and paraphrase until both perspectives are understood.
6. S: Seek a solution that works for both/all parties involved.
Now you get to figure out how to change from a frustrating situation to a productive solution.  Can you see how this can build trust?
Ask, “how can we solve this?”
Brainstorm possible strategies
Write down possibilities
All possibilities – no commentary
Then identify those that would help and both can agree to
7. S: See if it works
We frequently forget this step.  It is possible that the solution or agreement you came up with will not work or only partially address the situation. You might need to revisit things to get it right.  Additionally, change takes conscious and mindful effort. Think of times you tried to change a personal behavior (think diet, exercise or flossing…). How often do we say we’ll do it, and then forget about it?  Setting a time to check back holds us all accountable. It will make a difference in your results. Really!!!
Agree to try a solution for a certain amount of time
Set a time to check back to see if it is working or what needs to be fine tuned
What do you think?  I would love to know if you have taken the risk and tried to have this kind of conversation.  How did it go?  Being a leader means stepping up, being honest, building trust and holding ourselves and others accountable; in essence, being compassionate with strong boundaries. Good luck!
References:
Brown, B. (2015-08-25). Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution (Kindle Locations 1700-1707). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Lencioni, Patrick M. (2012-03-14). The Advantage, Enhanced Edition: Why Organizational Health Trumps Everything Else In Business (J-B Lencioni Series) (p. 27). Wiley. Kindle Edition.