Lessons Learned

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on December 15, 2017

As we approach the end of the year, it is a wonderful time to reflect and take stock on what we’ve learned. Some learnings are easy, many come through unexpected challenges.  We’ve asked our consultant team to share some of the lessons that have emerged for them this year, and hope they provide you with insights that you will find helpful.
Experience Fun!
What I’ve settled on is as much something I aspire to, as something I’ve learned. Here it is. Life may turn out to be shorter than we had imagined, but one thing is for sure – Life is definitely better than we could have ever imagined. We have all been richly blessed. There’s so much joy and beauty available to us every day, and so much fun to be had in almost every moment. I’ve learned that I want to be more lighthearted and playful, and really experience all the fun that’s available to us. This is a bit of a reach for a serious, hard-working German girl like me, so if you see me off track, please remind me to lighten up.
Clean House
One of my lessons focuses on my 2017 year of “cleaning house” – both literally and figuratively.  Sold my condo, said goodbye to being Condo Board president for 15 plus years, now sharing a tiny little house with my sweetie, gave away more than half of my furniture…. and simplified.  The smallness is comforting, the shedding of “stuff” allowing me to breathe more freely.  Marie Kondo’s book, “The life-changing magic of tidying up” was inspiring.   Admittedly, progress on eliminating “keepsakes” and books/documents (some of which are still sitting in the basement…old family photographs (half of the faces not identifiable!), the syllabus for a class I “might” teach, past work creations) are slower-going, as Kondo suggests they can be – but my progress is real, shedding a light on how “tidying up” has freed (and continues to free) my mind and my soul.
Be Present!
I have come to carry 3 words with me this year that have meant A LOT! Be. Here. Now. They point me to the understanding that the present is all I have, and I dare not waste this precious resource by micro-planning every little step of an anticipated experience, nor replaying (and often affirming my own righteousness in) an unpleasant past experience. “Be here now”, has helped me stop to breathe, to stop the flow of words in my head, and to listen to the sound of my heart, my breath, or the silence inside me. Quieting my mind has become a practice I look forward to every morning. . . I am an early riser and I love to watch dawn color the sky. Being here now, in the present, is also directly linked to presence, which is the very best part of myself that I can give to another. Or to the sunrise.
Manage Anger and Frustration
I have been working hard to control my anger and frustration when situations arise. Since I am the only person that knows when anger is building, I have learned to recognize the danger signs when they begin. I can choose how to react in a situation and just because my first instinct is to become angry doesn’t mean it is the correct response.  I realize that when I start to get angry I need to stop what I am doing and breathe deeply. This interrupts my angry thoughts and helps put me back on a more positive path. Also, if I imagine how I look and behave when I am angry I probably would not want to be around someone like that.  A great person once shared that if I “Pause, find Peace and Pray, I can’t but help create an Attitude of Gratitude.”
Redefine Time  – this came up twice! As consultants, we are not bound by the typical 9 – 5 clock of an employee. Does this impact how we see time?
I have been challenging my misconception about time. . . the clock is useful for some things, but not as a way to experience and evaluate my life. Have I done everything I wanted to do before I turned a certain age? Did I get everything finished that I wanted to do on Friday? What crazy pressures! Because my life is no longer constrained by the clock, I am experimenting with the natural rhythms and ebb and flow of things . . .like my energy, the need to balance work, play and rest, the times for eating.
One lesson for me this year is to be mindful of how I spend my time. I am aware that time is a finite commodity. Am I doing what I want to be doing? What I need to be doing? Or am I just doing?  I am working at being more aware of the choices I make in how I spend my time both at work, in volunteer capacities and at leisure. Even when all I am doing is playing spider solitaire on my cell phone, I can give myself permission to be in a restful state — almost meditative — accepting that down time is a reasonable choice sometimes rather than berating myself about “wasting time.”  And I can make intentional decisions about the work I choose to do — having fun, finding meaning and earning money!  Rather than feeling obligated or compelled to work at things that are stressful and demotivating.  (Yes, I am fortunate to be able to choose this.) And I am finding that being is a valuable way to spend my time — being with family and friends, being outdoors, and being with my colleagues – with you all … who provide me with energy, perspective and support.
See Beyond our Thoughts
I’d say the most important lesson I’ve learned this year is to realize that I don’t need to believe everything I think or anything that anyone else thinks. I grew up in a household that was incredibly loving, full of extended family members who created a safe space for me and my cousins to play and laugh. It was also a household where “father knows Best” and everyone else’s thoughts came in second or third or nowhere at all.
So, in college, I was suddenly in a place where everyone wanted to know what I thought. Thinking was encouraged. And I got to voraciously read and discover other thinkers thorough-out history. I got to organize my thoughts around theories that inspired me and writers who were so articulate in discussing and defending their thoughts. I had many many journals which I used to express my thoughts about everything. You could say I became enamored by my own thoughts. And eventually gained expertise in helping myself and others explore their thought patterns, understand their origins, determine whether they were limiting beliefs and learn to shift or change them to create better results.
So, you can imagine my surprise, during my final year of my doctoral program, as I’m finishing up a 400+ page dissertation, to realize that I don’t need to believe what I think and that I don’t need to even heal my thoughts or shift my thoughts or have anything to do with my thoughts.  And that there’s a space beyond thought, a place of Presence and stillness and nothingness that holds more beauty, more potential, more joy than any of my thoughts or other people’s thoughts could ever imagine or express.
This experience is allowing me to relax into being “ordinary” and free to be with other people’s thoughts without the need to be on the defense or offense of anything. It’s bringing into my life a sense of groundedness and compassion and curiosity and insights the likes of which I have never experienced before.
Accept Ourselves as We Are
This year has been a year of unfolding awareness around the passage of time – of shifts in the way I hold myself in relationship to the world, an enlarging awareness that my presence – our presence – on the earth is but temporary, and the startling reality that things I never expected have planted themselves firmly in the landscape of my life.
I have been toying with existential questions – why are we here, what purpose does any one individual have, what is the meaning of this thing we call life?  I invited myself to lift and lift and lift above the details of the daily human experience and really try to SEE what made sense about life and living.  What a surprise when I realized that my presence on this earth – from a larger perspective – is absolutely and utterly insignificant!  Creation will not care if I eat kale or write bad music or am good at cleaning the kitchen.  I will not invent the light bulb or paint the Sistine Chapel or have my name attached to some doctrine.  The details of my daily life are inconsequential, and I am not required to place any kind of signature whatsoever on human history.
Paradoxically, the moment I had that realization was the same moment in which I understood fully that it is my own unique way of being, instead of my way of doing, that contributes to all of creation in a way that is meaningful and sustains the goodness that surrounds us always, whether we know it or not.  It was the moment in which I knew, without doubt, that expanding in love and kindness, compassion and generosity, caring and integrity, honesty and grace and offering THAT to the world (and to myself) is truly the only job I have as a human being.  Less doing, more Being!
So, let time fly or drag or whatever it does today or tomorrow.  My intention is to love every moment of this glorious, mysterious, messy, confusing gift called life – and to graciously forgive myself if I slip now and then!  To paraphrase one of my favorite sayings – when the tide rises ALL boats rise!!
And we invite you to share your lessons learned or your aspirations for next year with us as well in the spirit of giving that frames this time of year. Here’s a start on 2018. . . 
Study Sound
Next year I want to study sound, and the effect it has on our lives. . . the good, the bad, and the ugly. When friends from a big city come to visit me in rural Arizona, they consistently say, in a reverent way, “It is so quiet here!” The effect of abusive noise, including those noises in our heads, and the benefit of beautiful sounds (like Joyce’s harp at the Summit) are topics I want to explore.
Thank you to all our contributors: Julie Wechsler, Jill Bachman, Michael Cavanaugh, Mary Lockhart, Rory Gilbert, Noushin Bayat, Carla Rotering

Compassionate People Have the Best Boundaries

Rory Gilbert, M.Ed., SPHR, SHRM-SCP on May 2, 2017

In her book, Rising Strong, Brené Brown shares a profound insight.  She states, “very early on in my work I had discovered that the most compassionate people I interviewed also have the most well-defined and well-respected boundaries. It surprised me at the time, but now I get it. They assume that other people are doing the best they can, but they also ask for what they need and they don’t put up with a lot of crap. Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to, and when they say yes, they mean it. They’re compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment.”
In my work as a coach, I have frequently heard people describe their frustrations with doing things they didn’t want to do, shouldn’t have to do and downright resented.  And most of the time, they did not share their feelings or experience with the person who they saw as the source of that frustration.
Situations included having to pick up other people’s shifts, finish their unfinished work, do assignments, meetings and trips that others did not want to do. And my coachees gritted their teeth, smiled on the surface, and did it.  When they shared their stories with me they were angry, hurt, resentful, enraged…and as Brené Brown describes, self-righteous. And it was eating at them. They were indignant.
So how do people get into these binds?  Brown talks about mindset differences.  She discusses the difference in belief that “people are doing the best they can,” versus “people aren’t doing their best.” She claims that it is not the situation, but our beliefs and thoughts about what is happening that drives our response.
I have a colleague who frequently cancels meetings, postponing our ability to get work done. She always has great reasons for the cancellations and I do believe they are true.  However, I am unbelievably frustrated because I am gridlocked on a project without her. Have I told her?  How could I? Her explanations each time are real, meaningful and serious…but, our relationship is crumbling right along with the project.  I am starting to see her as flaky, not-to-be-trusted.  I am looking for work-arounds to remove her from the project to get it done.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? But what is the point of confronting her when her reasons are so justified?
The most critical part of a relationship, whether work or personal, is trust.  I can self-righteously proclaim that she is violating my trust by not following through with her commitments.  But on the other side, I am violating her trust by not telling her what I need.
My self-righteousness suggests that “she should know, shouldn’t she? She just doesn’t care, so why bother?”  What is really happening here?  I am assuming she is not doing the best she can. I have lowered my opinion of her.
I am an equal co-partner in destroying the relationship and not getting the best for our project. What would happen if I assume good intent? What would happen if I share how I am feeling about the project and her involvement? What would happen if I tell her what I need? Perhaps a beginning could sound something like this. . .
“I know you have had a lot of things come up that have interfered with getting this work done. I respect that you have had different priorities. However, I am really frustrated because I cannot continue my work without your input.  I need to know if you are in or if I should develop a different plan to get this done. If you are in, I need to have a meeting with you this week. I will work with your schedule, but if you cancel again, I am going to have to work on it independently.”
Is the language too harsh? Will I lose our relationship? Well, I ask, do we have one now?  What might she say? How might this impact my sense of self if I regain a way forward?
Generally, we avoid conversations like the one above because we are uncomfortable with being so direct.  We hint, make side comments, vent with other people and luxuriate in our own self-righteous indignation…or we wait until they really cross the line and blow up!  All to avoid having an honest, uncomfortable conversation.
Patrick Lencioni believes that trust is fundamental to high functioning teams. He talks about trust as being deeper than just doing what we say we will do, he talks about vulnerability (and so does Brown, a lot!) – a willingness to be open, honest and mistaken.  Owning how I am impacted by other people is a very vulnerable place to be…owning resentment, frustration, discomfort.  But it is the way forward to being more effective as an individual and as a leader.
We have to take the risk.  So how do we do it? It takes courage and SCILLSS. When we are trying something new or different, having a structure can help us succeed.  Here is a quick summary of some steps that can guide us until these conversations become second nature.
1.  S: Self-assessment
How am I feeling? Can you identify what you are feeling…can you get past mad – mad is often a default that covers more uncomfortable feelings like hurt, disrespected, left out.
What am I telling myself? Remember mindset differences? This is the most critical part of the process because our feelings are generated from our thoughts. If I think they should know better, I react one way. If I think they are doing the best they can, I open up possibilities to different reactions.
What else could be going on? Explore other possibilities – why else might they be acting/doing what they are doing?
2. C: Cue to invite conversation
If we are taking the risk of having an uncomfortable conversation, let the other person know what is going on.  “I’d like to discuss something with you if you have a minute… Is this a good time?”Is this a good place?
3. I: Use I-messages
How we describe our concern will impact their response.  Be careful of judgmental or accusatory words that come out of what we are telling ourselves. As much as possible be objective and descriptive.  You might want to write down a few notes for this step.
When you … (objective, behavioral – watch for judgments)
I feel… (use a feeling word – avoid saying “that you…” after “feel”) This is where you get really vulnerable – how are you experiencing what is happening…
Because… (how does this impact me, the work environment or product, our customers/clients?)
4. L: Listen to response and paraphrase what you have heard
Remember, this is about relationship and building trust. Take time for the other person to respond and share how they see the situation. Then explain more of your point of view if needed.
5. L: Listen some more to response and paraphrase until both perspectives are understood.
6. S: Seek a solution that works for both/all parties involved.
Now you get to figure out how to change from a frustrating situation to a productive solution.  Can you see how this can build trust?
Ask, “how can we solve this?”
Brainstorm possible strategies
Write down possibilities
All possibilities – no commentary
Then identify those that would help and both can agree to
7. S: See if it works
We frequently forget this step.  It is possible that the solution or agreement you came up with will not work or only partially address the situation. You might need to revisit things to get it right.  Additionally, change takes conscious and mindful effort. Think of times you tried to change a personal behavior (think diet, exercise or flossing…). How often do we say we’ll do it, and then forget about it?  Setting a time to check back holds us all accountable. It will make a difference in your results. Really!!!
Agree to try a solution for a certain amount of time
Set a time to check back to see if it is working or what needs to be fine tuned
What do you think?  I would love to know if you have taken the risk and tried to have this kind of conversation.  How did it go?  Being a leader means stepping up, being honest, building trust and holding ourselves and others accountable; in essence, being compassionate with strong boundaries. Good luck!
References:
Brown, B. (2015-08-25). Rising Strong: The Reckoning. The Rumble. The Revolution (Kindle Locations 1700-1707). Random House Publishing Group. Kindle Edition.
Lencioni, Patrick M. (2012-03-14). The Advantage, Enhanced Edition: Why Organizational Health Trumps Everything Else In Business (J-B Lencioni Series) (p. 27). Wiley. Kindle Edition.