Trust Grows When Leaders Stay in the Conversation
Author: Amy Milliron, M. Ed.
During a leadership session with a rural hospital executive team, the CEO made a comment that stayed with me. She said that their leadership meetings were respectful and efficient, yet she had the sense that some of the most important thinking in the room was not always making its way into the discussion.
As we explored what she meant, she described a pattern she had started to notice. A decision would be discussed in the meeting, and everyone would appear aligned. Later in the week, a director might stop by her office and raise a concern. Another leader might mention a potential issue in a hallway conversation. None of these comments was intended to undermine the decision. They simply reflected perspectives that had not surfaced when the team was together.
What the CEO was observing was not a lack of professionalism or commitment. Her team cared deeply about the organization and about one another. In many cases, people were trying to be thoughtful about timing, respectful of colleagues, and mindful of the pace of the meeting. Their intention was to protect the working relationship and keep the team moving forward.
At the same time, those good intentions meant that valuable information sometimes arrived after the moment when it could most easily shape the decision.
Staying Present Through Tension
We began experimenting with a simple change. As the conversations approached a conclusion, the CEO asked one additional question. She would pause and ask whether anyone saw a risk, trade-off, or perspective that the group had not yet explored. During the first few meetings, the room remained quiet, which is a normal response when a team is adjusting to a different expectation for dialogue. Eventually, one director spoke up about a staffing change discussed earlier in the meeting. The question led to a deeper conversation about scheduling, workload, and patient flow that had not yet been considered fully.
The quality of the discussion improved because the CEO responded with curiosity rather than defensiveness. She asked questions and invited others to build on the point. That response demonstrated that thoughtful disagreement was part of responsible leadership.
Understanding Conflict Styles
A similar dynamic appeared in another organization I recently worked with. A regional operations team had been struggling with decisions that seemed to stall after meetings. When we looked more closely, the team realized that many members relied heavily on a single conflict style. Several leaders preferred to avoid tension when discussions became uncomfortable, while others tended to accommodate the direction that appeared to have the most support in the room.
We used the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument to help the team explore their patterns. The TKI framework identifies five approaches people often use when navigating conflict: competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, and accommodating. None of these modes is inherently right or wrong. Each one can be effective depending on the situation. (Thomas & Kilman, 1974.)
What the team discovered was that they were using only a narrow portion of that range. Avoiding and accommodating helped them maintain positive relationships, but it also limited the depth of their conversations. As leaders became more aware of the different modes, they began experimenting with collaboration and constructive competition when a decision required deeper examination.
Over time, the meetings changed. Discussions sometimes took longer because leaders were willing to ask harder questions and test assumptions together. At the same time, decisions became clearer, and follow-through improved because the thinking behind them had been examined more thoroughly.
Brené Brown describes this kind of engagement as a “rumble.” She defines a rumble as a conversation in which people remain curious, assume positive intent, and work through challenges together rather than avoid them. The purpose of the conversation is not to win an argument. The purpose is to understand the issue well enough to move forward with clarity. (Brown, 2018.)
When leaders demonstrate that difference can be explored with respect and steadiness, several positive shifts occur. Teams begin to bring forward perspectives earlier. Decisions benefit from broader insight. Engagement increases because people see that their thinking influences outcomes. Trust strengthens because conversations happen in the open rather than in private follow-ups.
Leaders sometimes ask how to build stronger trust across their teams. One practical step is to make room for the full range of perspectives that already exists in the organization. When leaders remain present in moments of tension and respond with curiosity, they send a clear signal that differing viewpoints are a valuable part of strong leadership dialogue.
That experience builds confidence. Over time, people learn that raising a question or offering a different interpretation is not a disruption to the work. It is part of the leadership responsibility they share.
Reflection
Before your next leadership conversation, consider where a broader range of perspectives might strengthen the discussion. Notice which conflict styles appear most often in your team and whether expanding that range might help the group examine important issues more fully.
Leaders who remain steady and curious during disagreement help their teams develop the confidence to stay in the conversation together.
References
Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.
Thomas, K. W., & Kilmann, R. H. (1974). Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.
Citations
- Brown, B. (2018). Dare to Lead: Brave Work. Tough Conversations. Whole Hearts. Random House.
- Thomas, K. W., & Kilmann, R. H. (1974). Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument.
Shared from March 2026 Issue of Thunderbird Leadership Consulting ELEVATE – Tbird’s Hub for Practical Leadership Insights.
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